Who Am I?

Walt Whitman :"I am large. I am made up of multitudes."

What orthodox Anglo-Catholicism has done for me is that I am so mesmerized with all the parables of doing good, that I feel very strongly about what is morally right and wrong.

But when this cuts into my sexual identity and practices, I have to draw a line to keep them separate. I cannot be going for Confession for some self-gratifying acts all the time, can I? After all we have delineated sins into venial, mortal and cardinal sins.

I also have to take umbrage at the condemnations about people like us from the pew-speakers. I feel unwelcomed and ridden with guilt. Either I stay or leave. I also take it as a very ritualistic worship without much fellowship among the congregation inside or oustide the church.

I don't think my Chinese roots are as rooted as they should be. My father being Peranankan Hakka and my mother being a true-blue Chinese are schooled in "western" ways. They can speak English.

We celebrate Christmas in a bigger way with our religion rather than as Chinese for the New Year festival. The last vestiges of our Chinese practices must surely be the cooking of mee-sua with hard-boiled eggs for birthdays, the giving of red packets, new clothes and shoes, the reunion dinner and kow-towing to elders on New Year visits.

Being Asian Chinese, there is also the reticence we reserve , the giving of face and respect to authority. Like for our bosses , managers and the older folks. We do not want to talk back, question or ridicule. We keep silent as we think this will preserve the peace and not create unharmonius relationships. Generally we tolerate and hold our tongue.

Usually this may work against us. We are thought of as being uncommunicative, stupid, followers and as wall flowers to be plucked off and trampled upon. Even though we do seriously, deep within our hearts, know that what is said is wrong or flawed.

Which is why the American way of openness , frankness, rigorous debates and communication strike me as admirable traits. But in the Singaporean context, this may also work against us as we are seen to be rebellious, individualistic and disrespectful.

Being Chinese also means that I am intrigued with Chinese history and culture. I am curious , geographically and tribally, where my paternal and maternal bloodline hail . I want to be able to positionally pinpoint my genetic map in that whole big place called China.

Our Peranakan culture is also a unique fusion of Chinese and Malay dating back to Zheng He's voyage to Malacca with the handing over of a Chinese princess to a Malay sultan as a tributary gift. The sarong kebaya, our cuisine, our patois and our beaded handicraft are unrivalled anywhere in the world.

In school, I learnt of many famous Chinese heros and legends. Yue Fei and that endearing story of the Old Foolish Man Moving Mountains. Unfortunately I have not much acquaintance with ancient Chinese classics like the Romance of the Three Kingdoms but I am making up now by reading them in its original language, or more contemporary novelists like Ru Xun.

I am more familiar with Western literature and philosophy and American culture like Hollywood. America must surely be a prolific producer of many an epic like "The Sound of Music" and the like. And of course American pornography, fashion ,hip, hype and attitude. Not forgetting its self-concocted language in a class of its own like "duh" for instance.

Even Bollywood, Kollywood, Taiwanese, Japanese , Hongkong and our very own Singaporean movies are in many cases clones of American imports - the genres of love, comedy , thriller, romance or detective stories. The famous James Bond 007 theme must have been played over and over again on both the Eastern and Western hemispheres. The evergreen boy meet girl romances must also qualify as a recurring and thus banal episode amongst Japanese, Taiwanese and Korean movies.

I can only look to China for its many traditional folk art not to go the dodo bird way. Folk art like xiang sheng and the clapper recital of verses. Homogenisation is no fun if there isn't going to be a shred of distinct cultural preservation left.

So frankly I don't watch any Chinese movies or programs anymore save the occasional Hongkong slap-stick comedy of old just for laughs. I can still enjoy both English and Chinese pop songs, where the Chinese lyrics are somewhat penned more meaningfully. The English lyrics of old songs used to be written much more solidly too as compared to the babble we sometimes hear now. Except perhaps for the groovy beat or rhythm.

As for food, rice is still the staple but bread and noodles are options I retreat to once in a while.

Living in rules-bound Singapore has made us disciplined, good followers for the economy, law-abiding, civil but which can truly be nightmarish in other aspects like self-expression , being different or not adhering to a one-track system.

Miss a beat, dye your hair , sport long hair or tattoos and wear tinted glasses and you can seriously be had. The sytem can be harsh, unforgiving and strict. You could be associated with hippies, thugs or fashionistas.

Think "we are guilty untill proven innocent", quite like ass-backwards don't you think in the court of law?

Hollywood and the porn industry have also fuelled obsession with looks, fashion sense, sex and consumerism. Is it any wonder that to keep up with this beauty culture, plastic surgery is so rife and can I deny I wasn't anorexic or bulimic once too? I am glad I didn't end up as another Karen Carpenter. Could anyone tell what she was going through? She looked, behaved and talked normally and was a megstar with gezillion adoring fans and sell-out albums, before she collapsed into a heap of lifeless death.

Never be born poor, ugly , fat, stupid, unfashionable, unhip or on the wrong side of life, that seems to be the mantra we must all learn to chant.

Yet again I must hark back to prehistory where there was more than one defining standard of life, culture or looks .

Not that being gay hasn't got me feeling oppressed and bashed. I am not a party-going nor same-sex marriage advocate. However I feel that in the private sphere , I am not treading on anyone's toes. The culture is unaccepting and scornful at best. At worst, we could be attacked, ridiculed or discriminated.

If there are some who feel that they want to get married with solemnizing vows, engage in public displays of affection tastefully, attend loud open parties, it is their inalienable rights. For me, I will do it my way, quietly, privately and under no undue public glare or scrutiny.

To think that we were mentally ill in earlier psychiatric diagnoses. Quack treatments had been with electro-convulsive aversion therapy. As they would with smokers. Scientific studies have tried proving a gay gene and research carried out with "cadavers". I would like to know if death could not have altered the brain structure so much that crap theories about smaller and bigger hypothalamuses are just that - crapshit.

From phrenology, craniology, craniometry, anthropometry to psychometry, we have blundered time and again. I can only feel how the blacks, the Jews and the Irish must have felt at one stage in their lives. Suffer the many others who thus have been written off to a life of damnation.

The highly stratified society we live in is also a great source of tension for most. We are materialistic, aspiring to ever higher standards of living, cars, education, appellations and careers. We feel slighted if we were pigeonholed in some lowly status. We have to keep up with the Joneses.

Whatever happened to just taking someone for what he is - regardless of the house, car, education, titular apellation and career he holds or owns. So surely the Stoneman must have been treated more fairly and equally!

Common sense, wise judgement and a good heart are worth more in having and appreciating.

Did education help me be a better person and explore my full potential? My primary school years saw me engaging in many different kinds of activities which helped me developed confidence and my potentialities. I guess most of us enjoyed our childhood best but I can be seriously presumptive here of course. Think PSLE flunkers.

Somehow as I move up the ladder of education, the opportunities to explore myself did not seem available. It has not eliminated discrimination or iron-casted thinking. Nor has it made me a more thinking or compassionate being. It has not, in any measure, showed me how I could have applied my knowledge to my work or personally. It has not even prepared me for a career or for me to know what I want out of life. I think we just drift along, seeing where the next step takes us, usually again this depends on our grades and not on our interests or abilities. I hope I am not the exception here.

Perhaps in solitude, I could reflect, understand and learn better. Away from the madding crowd? Search for that inner voice amidst the cacophony of shrill and dickheady dissonance.

Politically I have read much from biographical accounts, of our revered Minister Mentor and he was a source of much of my admiration in my youth. Almost idol worship and hero worship. My one and only face-to-face encounter with him was when he dropped in literally, by air, for an address at a public forum. It was like awesome! I even wrote an article on this privately. It must have been a memorable event.

Singly Minister Mentor Lee must be the singular most influential factor in Singapore politics with the views he espouses. Most of which makes great sense and people are just too happy to support and go right along with it. As my parents did.

Local politics is seen as very cordial and even-tempered when compared to most other spheres of life like the cut and thrust of commerce. This is what I would like to seek and find out.

In sum, I think I am more an economic being, more than anything else. Which is sad. But as the world order is ordered in this way now, we cannot be any different, can we? I can only wish for the dawn of the Free and Natural Economy. The way things have always been and should always be! Where Economics does not rule. Whoever invented Economics ?