Of Love, Relationships, Friendships, The Gay Culture And Another Prayer (***Even More Updates)

Another Fervent Prayer
Oh God, like I have been praying to you fervently and intensely the last couple of days, today I am appealing to you once more.

A Nice, Warm, Funny, Caring And Communicative Beau Like Him (If This Is Real Or Unless It Is A Learned PR/Sales Thingy)
I really wished it was HIM that I am attached to.

But maybe he is already seeing someone (why doesn't he tell me when I asked him?). Were they those people I saw? I really dont know what else to do because I have done almost everything I can to stay in touch but there is no response.

So if you don't think it is HIM, grant me my beau to support me at this hour of need.

I can't connect to the older crowd because there is that cynicism, that baggage and that lack of ideas to communicate with.

Or a too culturally diverse people because of a living divide like language, lifesytle, habits and practices. Not Filipnos or wateva. Nor gals.

You know if I care too deeply about someone, it affects me all the way. My mental and physical health is affected as HIS case has shown.

I pray to you that my other requests will be met .

A Place Of My Own
Finding a suitable room to move out to and eventually buying my place REAL SOON. Some nature? Some water? Some long-distance running and walking facilities and strength training spots nearby.

A Job And Income
And a job or projects to keep me going. I can't be dealing with the motley crew in all kinds of vocation. It has got to have some intellectual stimulation. Of ideas, technology, current affairs, etc. So education and training looks like it.

Your humble servant.

Do I Really Need To Repeat Myself?
I hope this gets through ONCE MORE.

I will know who my BEAU is when I see HIM. There must be that CONNECTION. There were quite a few but it seems like the relationship (if there was one in the first place) didn't work out and I wasn't their type.

I think HE likes fair mates (or maidens) like I do in some cases. But certainly I don't like the ONEs who are his friends or colleagues.

Just too bad when I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. I accept his looks, his roles and his skin condition. That was how far I went. Even if he were to be of a different creed, I WILL STILL LOVE HIM.

His Was Just A Case Of Pleasing EveryOne And A MindLess Bend To EveryOne's Calling
Unfortunately I feel that in HIS case, he was just getting himself into all kinds of toxic relationships and still wanna be in them.

Stupid as that sounds. All kinds of bad relationships. One day he is gonna be stuck in one forever.
Mindlessly trying to be popular and bending to one and all's wishes. Only sharing the good times and fun AND NOT THE BAD TIMES. That is what his friendships are all about.

Let us see how far this is gonna get him.

And equating a worthwhile life with a hectic schedule.

Once More, That Space And Distance And Distinguishment Between Friends And Relationships
It isn't gonna be ethnics, mixed or the UNHOLY TRINITY. I have to be very aware and keep my space and distance from them to avoid the CULTURAL divide.

Colleagues will just be colleagues.Friends are friends.We will maintain cordial , friendly and professional relations, that is all.

There will be that special few who will be close friends and that ONE AND ONLY elusive and special BEAU. They will be my priorities NOT options or activity partners. REAL sharing and communication.

While I prefer a one-on-one, everything else is open provided if I click with ALL (meaning guys only) in the party.

I can't be in a relationship with a pair of CONJOINED TWINS when I only like Mick but not Mitch, can I?

Though I really prefer a ONE-on-ONE.

What Happens In The Gay Community Happens In Other Communities As Well Of Course
I am not criticising the GAY CULTURE per se.

I naturally blog about it because I am a part of it, observing and experiencing it.

It happens too in the other types of communities.

The Gay Culture - Then , Now And The Future
I am just saying that the GAY CULTURE CAN'T ONLY BE about being indecently fashionable, a flesh parade, a meat rack, appearances, pretty boy looks, physique, muscles, drugs, debauchery, body piercings and designs, all kinds of portrayals of imagery and acting, sex parties, clubbling, intoxication, cruising, dick sizes, all kinds of perversion and in most cases, a face pic is a must for a meet-up?

I suppose we all wanna look good but if a relationship or friendship is premised solely on that, it must be seriously WRONG!

It must also centre on building a life at home, spending time together like home-cooked meals, household chores, home movies, love, hugs, kisses, cuddles, consummation, commitment, conversations, sharing good and bad times, encouragement, mental and moral support, kindness, open, honest and truthful communication.

Spending time together outside. Sports, movies, nature, strolls, the sea, the sun, leisure activities and social networking. Work. Character, personality, chemistry, resolve, sacrifices, selflessness, attention and the like.

AND faithfulness.

Somehow this isn't happening often enough, so can I see a TRANSFORMATION?

We Are Not One, We Are To Ourselves

Don't count on the community for support.

You should be happy enough if they don't break you up with your beau, mislead us all and script the community to our condemnation, damnation and death. And more myth and lies and folklore. It is about money, about debauchery, about all the above culture I wrote about and about being a business.

The old and the young are the same. Leading us to the BLACK HOLE and not the LIGHT!

That is what WE ARE.

I Am A Total Nervous Wreck And I Can't Wait To Move Out, Start Work And Get Into A Really Serious Relationship
First, The Living Evirons
I am pretty anxious and it shows.

First my living environment. I don't enjoy the company of the people I am living with and the physical environment sucks.

It is like living with my family all over again. My sisters and my brother and MOM (especially when we were young). No connection, no bonding, no communication, no support, no understanding or love.

Second, A Failed Attempt At A Relationship
Eversince that fateful night, I have been feeling like a MONSTER and feeling very BAD for what I did. But I hope HE understands that it is because I lOVE HIM.

Everyone else will just laugh along, say nice things, sing praises, go along with the flow, engage in a public relations exercise, flatter and try to please you JUST TO BE "FIENDS".

A true friend will tell you LIKE IT IS so that you see the OTHER SIDE of a coin.

Like He-Ape. Always praising She-Ape. And buying us coffee (to keep us awake during teaching sessions?). A public relations exercise or corporate welfarism?

Third, My Age, My Life-Span And My Resources When Compared To The Younger And Richer
Some more, age is not on my side. You don't have to put me through all these indignation when half my life is already gone.

Let it befall the young and rich and those who wanna keep up. Being younger, they have better coping capacities and a longer life-span to restart all over. And they have the financial and social resources to deal with it.

I really can't. I am not getting younger. I am at my wit's end and on the brink and WITH NO RESOURCES TO COPE , financial, social or wateva.

It is like despite telling my dentist that, he is not getting it and subjecting me to all the indignity he puts me through. The protraction of the dental treatment though I appreciate him waiving off the last few treatment costs.

And The Rest............
What's more, I am homeless (flitting from rented room to rented room and holed up with all kinds of non-supportive people whom I don't like), jobless, beauless and money is running low .

I need all the mental support, comfort, hugs, love, encouragement, kisses and cuddles I can get.

I am NOT GETTING IT from HIM and worse, we broke up. So I am really down in the dumps and a TOTAL NERVOUS WRECK and ALL ALONE AND WITH NOBODY TO CARE FOR ME !

I am a wreck and I can only EMO all by myself, always thinking about HIM with tears in my eyes while trying to keep up appearances and to HOLD UP as best as I can.

All I Want Is A Sweet Home Valentine (**Even More Updates)

A Relationship And Friendship On Hold Is Just As Bad As A Long Distance Relationship
To illustrate even further how pathethic friendships or relationships have become, I actually have someone who asks me to hang on till after he has finished his "cultural" week at the university.

I mean if I am close to that person, I don't think I will do that (but I will if they are people I HATE to the core). Anyway, that is it. I am not gonna be there for him when that date draws near.

Nobody puts a relationship or friendship on hold like that, does anyone?

Can you imagine your kid or beau needs you and you do that? Unimaginable right?

Love Should Be Simple And Easy, Not Complicated And Convoluted
And I hate convoluted and multiple relationship-way. All I want is ONE SIMPLE BEAU and ONE SIMPLE LOVE.

Is that so hard to ask?

And I don't care if love complicates life. We all need it. Otherwise why are family units formed and people get coupled? Get this into your thick head.

Alarm Bells Ringing - Read The Literature And Be Very Afraid

A reminder to the fuckees in our community.

Please read the literature. Even though it may not be explicit, I am sure you can put two and two together and link prostatitis and prostate cancer with your kinda activity.

Do you wanna risk this to yourself?

I Already Knew What I Wanted From The OutSet. Please Get This Right!
Let me blog about this once more.

I already know what I wanted when I was in junior college and during my National Service days. It started with my unhappy family background and got progressively worse in school and NS, seeing the fakers at work.

It is just that those PIGs around me were gutless, spineless, mindless (no will and mind of their own and just bend with the wind), mentally retarded and TOTALLY CHILDISH AND IMMATURE and ABOVE ALL, game players.

At any age.

I can't find the ONE (or if I did, they were just NOT READY OR wavering OR I couldn't express this to them because it was FORBIDDEN OR he was seeing someone OR wateva).

And I don't own a home to build this life with HIM.

A Home Valentine
For me, my Valentine's Day is spending it with HIM at home. Hugs, kisses, cuddles, kind words, encouragement, love, household chores, meals, home movies and the like.

Sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings and fears and so on. Chatting and sharing and more chatting and sharing and being honest, open, frank and truthful.

Yeah and SEX! Why not?

I Have A Right To Pick My Beau Just As I Will Respect HIS Right To (Though I Am Just Not Ready To Let Go Without Clear Signals From His Own Horse's Mouth That I Am Not The One )
You do not dictate my choice of a beau. I will know it when I see HIM. It isn't this NEW TENANT. Neither is it Gerald's faker of an older brother. Nor is it that chief tenant at the new place IF I am ever moving there. Nor is it Gerald.

Look. I am not trying to convert anyone's sexuality. It is already there. Latent or open. It is all up to the individual. But because of environmental pressures, we all deny, suppress, conform or whatever.

All I can do is to try and bring it to the fore and the individual decides.

And only with my beau will I do that.

So the issue is not conversion, confusion or wateva. It is the issue of not LETTING HIM get into the dark rut which is the other side of the gay world. The DARK SIDE of all those endless cruising and SEX and debauchery.

I do have that pair of eyes which tells me a lot and I am all knowing. There is a Sanskrit word for that in Hindu astrology. It is mahashiri or something. That is why the Hindus are probably more attuned.

All I know is that the person is HIM.

These Are His Friends And Colleagues Whom I Am Concerned About
I see a lot of ME in him. He is what he is today because of the faker GAYs and whoever else friends he is hanging out with. The blind leading the blind. I have seen two of them and I am not impressed.

One was like Ben. Speaks like him and fake like him. Does that explain Ben's miseries in his relationship with Vic? Because Vic knows him well. And Vic isn't absolved either because of the "stuff" they both do.

The other I could tell that he is just another spineless and gutless wimpy creature.

And there were several colleagues of his that I can also tell who they are. I just wanna warn him of the dangers. One was a HIMBO like that fucktard holed up next to my room at Ben's.

That is why I said his fate isn't gonna be pleasant if he persists in hanging out with THEM or whoever else I have not met. It is his propensity to hang out with the wrong crowd.

He Is A Part Of Me And I, Him
They are not bringing him to the fore and the light. Which is a home-based life with a partner.

They are bringing him to the dark tunnel which is a world of men's clubs, pubs, all kinds of debauchery, fashion, looks, physique, beauty, dick size, the whole gay culture and GOD-KNOWS-WHAT-ELSE and their own skewed belief systems!

I wanna bring him there together with ME. His personality and chemistry is mine. It exactly matches. I want him to be ULTIMATELY himself which he isn't yet and his "FIENDS" are just feeding him. More deceit, lies and faking.

He is certainly already GAY. And I can guess the roles and all. He is trying to change and pretend or otherwise. All I want him to know is that I ACCEPT AND LIKE HIM AS HE IS.

In fact, I detect a slight (maybe not so serious) autism or something in him. Maybe he is a GEEK?

But I do find him authentic.

I Can't Live With Fakers AnyMore
That explains why I was a loner and independent most of the time. It is so HARD to find a genuine person. So many are fakers and we have to fake along.

I have blogged about how I didn't fit in at home with the biggest faker of all, my eldest brother and yes, my dear sisters. And when I was living alone, I found myself.

But guess what? The foreign tenants who came aknocking were just bad fakers too and so problems arose.

At least grant me that sanctuary to be myself and with my beau where we are both GENUINE. That is all I ask. We can't be facing fakers everywhere. Home, work and at play. It is terrifying and dehumanising.

I can't be living with FAKERS anymore. It is just heart-wrenching.

Because We Were Led To The Dark Hole That Is The Making Of The Environment, So We Are Where We Are Today
Because you can see where I and so many others have ended up because of THIS.

Old And New Schools?
And there is NO question about new and old schools.

If there is, why are so many old songs being revived or remixed today by new and younger singers and there is a following among the NEXT generation of listeners that cut across the generation gap.

Explain that.

Thank You Once More My Lord, My God! Now Help Me With These Other Requests (***Updated)

I Am Well Again After A Really Bad Swell And Rest For Two Days, Thanks Once Again My Lord, My God
I have to blog about this yet again.

My prayer got answered. My mumps have receded and I get to exercise and go back to my usual routine once more . If this is because I have wronged HIM, then so be it!

You will remember my past personal prayers in my heart when I had an excruciating back pain, a new medical condition and my cataract operation.

I can only sing praises to God in my heart and here on my blog!

But Gerald Was Harassing Me To Move
I had given him notice to move because of the NEW tenant. I am seriously not into this NEW TENANT OR Gerald's brother. The faker!

And he called the police like BULLDOG did. Which was good because once again I can reason with them that I need an extension because of the CNY festivities.

Though it was really irritating coming on top of my illness. He will get his just desserts one day if not now, maybe when he is older. Then he will know.

This Is A Collaboration For Sure
And I am pretty sure the NEW TENANT is his friend. Gerald can't possibly got him so fast and this NEW TENANT is from the uniformed group I think.

There you have it! Our very own uniformed personnel! Just get outta my sight and way PIG! He was harassing me this evening by smirking and dirtying the loo. I will let him have it if he tries it again.

If this is Gerald's gameplan and he is doing anything behind my back, he will get HIS KARMA. Like cracking my Iphone and getting contacts. I will pity those who hook up with him. They should know better how unstable he must be if he is REALLY DIVORCED as he claims.

I already have other postulates that this is YET ANOTHER DRAMA scripted and staged.

Not Bad But There Were Still Several Laughable And Regrettable Statements Made
This HOME team whom Gerald called is good.

The one that handled the "assault" incident was not too bad either but there were several things the police officers said which I know they/he will regret in their lives one day.

First, he said that I was nothing to HIM so why should I care and second, this "assault" term he brought up. I wanted to kick down the ERP gantry and laugh my fucking ass off at this.

O God, Doesn't AnyOne Knows About The Affairs Of The Heart?
I can assure you he must have never loved anybody in his entire life before just like that sissy ass-hole poly gay. One day it will befall them or someone close and they will know. Or that they/he will NEVER KNOW WHAT LOVE IS!

I have more than enough of my share of broken hearts. So enough is enough!

There were a few more regrettable statements but I won't blog about them as they were so passe.

But still they handled the whole incident not too badly.

There You Have It Folks! Age Isn't It!
After this incident, I will try and think if Gerald is still cute or HE IS JUST AN UNGROWN UP father of a toddler girl (like The Punk who is already in his mid-thirties) who still wanna engage in trickery and games.

Like Fat Bloke who is so much older and still immatured to be doing what he is doing. Or my brother or those really old dudes who are misbehaving at cruising spots.

Oh please Old Farts, enough already!

I Knew What I Wanted Long Time Ago
So stop scripting this for me. I will know the correct BEAU when I see it.

I will live for TRUE LOVE and not any conveniences. Happiness is very important to me.

From the outset I already know what I wanted in my late teens to my NSF period. So get this very right.

Missing Him And With Much Pain In My Heart
I am missing HIM very much. I had enjoyed bringing him meals when he was working. It felt good taking care of someone you love. Those were the only times I got to see him as he won't let me any other way.

As it were, I was already restrained by all his impositions of time and he wasn't communicating clearly the best time to bring him food then.

In fact if this had continued, I was contemplating cooking again and bringing him home-cooked food.

But alas look what had happened!

All Your Fucking Environmental Stresses Did Me In
It was really all the stresses that made me do what I did that fateful night!

All those losses and thefts by your people. Then relationship problems and all those QUEENS at my school. Followed by living at those places I lived in.

How Can I Win Him Back?
HE has said he doesn't wanna see me again. At least through the police officers. Why does he hate me when I love him so much? Does he wanna see me dead before he will even wanna contact me again?

I have done most of what I think I should do and I really do not know how else to fight for his love.

Well we really didn't have a relationship in the first place and I was "nothing" in his eyes.

If he is a faker, then SO BE IT and we aren't meant for each other! And he will face his KARMA.

I Will Have To Pray Over This
Sigh. I have to pray over this as well.

Lord, you have granted me my prayers in earnest so far.

Grant me that I will get a job or some projects soon in the education/training field. That I will move to a better place than this and that I will buy back my house soon. And that a loved one will appear if it isn't HIM.

Or at least guide me on how to WIN HIS LOVE? I am really pathetic and bad at this sorta thing.

That is all I will pray for.

However, These Remain Steadfast And UnChanged.
I will not turn back to any former employers especially He-Ape. There will be NO politics for me.

My beau will NOT BE AN ETHNIC and those I mentioned before. Unless of course it happens to be HIM (he can be any creed as I already know him and I love him).

I will not get in touch with my family anymore and I have severed all ties with them. In fact my third sister called just when my phone battery life went off and so it is meant to be.

And everything else I said before stands.

It Is Just My Life And One Life And If I Can't Live It The Way I Want It, I Will Have To Die For It
I will die for them if I am ever pushed into marrying a gal and doing a job which is NOT MY VOCATION! And all those other things.

Let the wimps do it and suffer for it.

I will die for MINE!

Are You Responsible? You Will Get Your Just Dessert In Due Course Sooner Or Later (***Even More Updates)

Mumps For Almost A Week Now
Eversince the fight that fateful night and the start of my cough and flu, I have been developing mumps but today I just notice how bad the swell had gotten and I am praying over this as well.

See what stress can really do to your body! Psychosomatic disorder!

These Are Some Things You Can Learn From The Chinese
Yes, I am half Chinese, this half coming from my maternal lineage.

By now, it will be clear to all how the true blue Chinese men pride themselves and are usually serious-minded. They mean what they say and do what they mean. I can't speak for the wimps, the money bois or some of the other Chinese though.

We are not pikers and we do have compassion for our fellow beings. At least for me, I don't wanna become a stinking gutless corporate rat, working entirely for money at everybody's expense.

And we are not a trivial or a frivolous race. Neither are we shallow nor superficial but deep thinkers and doers. We are usually forthright and straight to the point, never meandering.

We have some fundamental values and beliefs which we will stick to and die for if necessary.

Of course we enjoy good humor, the occasional drama but we take relationships seriously and demand faith, trust, loyalty, openness, honesty and monogamity from our life partner.

We work hard for our money and we hanker for a stable home environment, a beau , good friends and company.

At least this applies to me, a half Chinese.

And though I may disagree with Mom on many occasions and that is only because of a clash of civilisation and religion, she REALLY represents all that and more.

Lots Of Pain, Remorse, Guilt , Sadness And Most Of All Shock
I am still in shock at what I did that day. That was SO NOT ME! It was like the other impetuous, deranged and totally uncontrolled half of me. The uglier, darker, Mr Hyde, midnight side of me.

I don't feel good breaking up with HIM but since he isn't reciprocating and all and GOD knows what is happening in his personal and love life, I guess this is the best choice for the moment.

I will HATE HIM TO THE CORE if he is playing the field which I suspect it is the case. If HE ALREADY HAS SOMEONE, JUST LET ME KNOW AND I AM OUTTA HIS LIFE FOR GOOD.

I am gonna apologize for my actions that day and for that I feel pain, sadness, remorse , guilt and shock.

This Was What It Should Have Been
When I should be kissing him on HIS cheeks and lips and all over, I am instead throwing punches. When I should be making love to him, cuddling and cupping his head to plant a kiss, I have hurt him badly.

I will do it with flowers and a card inscribed with my heartfelt message, what with Valentine's Day just 10 or 11 days away. The rest is up to him.

I can't really apologize for what I say though if it is true he is doing what I think he is doing.

Just too bad that he is almost everything I want in a beau and just right for me BUT THIS HAS TO HAPPEN.

Get Outta My Life And It Isn't A Life Anyway!
By now, I am jaded and sick and tired. So please leave me alone if you belong to the category of people I HATE.

I am still getting messages from past ethnic acquaintances (whom I am not keen) and ethnics are always appearing in my life at odd places. The gym, public places and so on. I am pretty sure they are the ones who are responsible for my current predicament.

First The Fundamentalists, Then The Various Communities
And the gay, ex-gay, bi or whatever community JUST ISN'T HELPING! They are driving wedges between us with all that they are saying. Instigating and breaking us all up.

The likes of Daryl Chan and Chris Fong, The Grand Eunuchs who will die tragically one day.

So get the message straight and FUCK OFF from my life.

They are fiends with axes to grind and whose lives got screwed. So they wanna avenge it on some other people and screw up their lives.

Go pick your fucking prey and DIE FROM IT, FUCKTARDS! As you surely will.

What Is The Meaning Of All This? Just Lay Off And Fuck Off!
I am not sure what I am clinging on for. I am gonna wait a while more before deciding what to do with my life.

With no income and money running out, I will just probably end it. And I will only work in the education field and no where else.

That is what the EVIL scriptors want it and they shall get it.

But let us see what will happen to their lives next! Will it be any better? I don't think so. They will get their own JUST DESSERT ONE FINE DAY and die from it!

My Iphone Went Dead And Resurrected About 12 Hours Later

My IPhone may just blank out for a short while but it has never died on me for a full 12 hours or more.

It just did and came back alive again this morning!

What a relief! Otherwise I have to send it for repair and the queues and waiting time and downtime must be atrociously long!

Sneaking Out For An Evening Breeze To Escape The "Summer" Heat And The "Office Hour" Faker

It is almost like summer here in Singapore.

Though I keep my windows open, the sun beats in and you can feel the hot blazing afternoon heat plus there isn't an air-conditioner here.

Once the sun sets, I sneak out to a local cafe just to enjoy the cool evening breeze.

Otherwise I will just suffocate in a cooped-up, all windows shut tight flat and a faker to boot and that ethnic tenant. I hope we all know where we stand by now.

OMFG!

It Is All Over And I Am Glad (Even More Updates)

It Isn't Him - A Cowardly Sissy Mental Retard
God did not answer my prayer today.

It just isn't meant to be and so be it and I am through with him. Another faker, sweet-talker and immature retard. Fat Bloke, Bulldog, Psycho and the rest at their ages didn't exactly prove any better either.

They will suffer for it as they already are.

I am glad it is settled and this is because the mental retard just will not grant me that one heart to heart talk showing how immature he is despite being the whole of 22 years.

Grow up ass-hole PIG-shit!

Sigh! Another One Who Isn't Worth It! Spineless, Gutless Mental Retard
And yet again, he isn't worth it! Worthless, spineless, gutless, mentally retarded player! And a serial liar to boot.

Age Is Not It
And it isn't about age. From the very young to the very old. They can be just as bad. Everyone knows that. You just see the kinda old men who visit the prostitution areas.

Already I have a faker at home aged 34 and Gerald isn't grown up yet despite being a father in his mid-twenties.

Seems like the faker is gonna move out while the Indian Eurasian is moving in. I am looking for a place and shifting out soon the moment he steps in.

Don't Accept Gifts And Trifle With Anyone's Feelings If You Don't Like The Person! I Won't
If he doesn't like me why was he accepting my meals but he was throwing them away so I was told but would I know that?

For me I will be very clear about how relationships are from the outset and I have told him I have just gotten personal with him. Otherwise I will treat him at a professional distance.

It Felt Good Punching Him, In Retaliation Of All Those Pokers Who Did What They Did To Me
I requested for that meet-up after work and he slinked away despite me telling him that I am waiting outside. I just wanna sit down at Coffee Bean like we usually do and have a chat.

But he slinked away.

So when I caught up with him at the taxi-stand and I asked him to follow me to the cafe and be done with, he refused.

A Fiery End To An Emotionally-Laden Relationship
That was it. All my impetuity, emotions and anger got the better of me. The anxiety he put me through. The worry. And he didn't care a fart and he had communicatively cut me off completely.

He was just texting and answering others' calls and treating me like dirt. Going out with his friends and have time for them while NOT ME. And he couldn't be honest and open and tell me what was going on in his life.

So why drag me on?

This Was The Moment All Hell And Fury Broke Loose
A fight erupted. I must have punched him or something and pushed him to the ground. A pull and a drag and his tee got torn. He almost pushed me to the glass wall which showed how vindictive he was.

He started running to the shop and as I was down with flu and cough, I was actually panting while trying to catch up. While inside the shop, I slapped him some more. He deserved all of it!

He will do all those stupid pranks he did but he won't meet me for a while and settle affairs of the heart? Now whoever has him as a girlfriend or boyfriend must be pretty lucky! I envy him/her.

At Least I Got Part Of My Past Demons Exorcised - All Those Wimps!
It felt really good for all those gutless, spineless, boneless wimps I have met throughout my life. Who won't stand up, who won't fight for what is real and who just wanna have fun on the side. They are just mocking us! Emotionally trifling and manipulating us!

The likes of Chong Beng, Allan, my Chinese ex-roomie and the rest.

Causing Me Pain And Emotional Turmoil
The slap was really on behalf of his parents. Just like that China student at my home. He was turning my whole place upside down and he was the first person I slapped across the face.

By Now, I Feel Pain, Remorse And Guilt
How could love turn into so much hate? Is love really a battlefield? I would have wanted to kiss him instead and make love to him.

So why did the first step turn out to be a fight?

I really want to cuddle him and nurse his wounds. I must have hurt him so bad. But at least they are physical wounds which will heal. What about all my past psychological and emotional wounds so many people have inflicted on me.

My family. My friends. My classmates. My NSF buddies and colleagues. My past loves. Do you think they have healed completely?

I Can Predict His Destiny
I am really glad it is over and done with. He will live with my cusses because I can easily predict what will happen in his life based on the kinda temperament he displays.

It wouldn't be pretty I guess whatever and whoever he chooses.

Elusive But I Can Live Without It If It Never Happens
I will have to wait for SOMEONE more worthwhile IF EVER to turn up.

If he doesn't, it is ok, I will live with it.

There will probably NEVER BE ONE.

You Wanna Fight For These Skunks?
So at the end of the day, is Singapore, Singaporeans (whoever you are), the gay community and all the rest worth fighting for?

The Gays Are Not The Gay Relationship Gurus, OtherWise They Would Be In One
From drama serials to quotes. We are already filling our heads with nonsensical notions of how love stories should pan out. And egging our friends on in all the wrong direction.

And from a student to the expert who has never been in relationships before, they all wanna dish out stupid advice. The fucking gay poly sissy to Chris Fong. Who are they to say the things they say! Pure nonsense.

At least I have my fair share of relationships to know something.

Stop Scripting Our Gay Relationship To Death
Does he think I am a public relations exercise? Someone to maintain friendly ties with so that in future if he needs a favour, he can get it. Or of convenience. As and when he needs company. A relationship of convenience and time.

That is now the quality of relationships. Reduced to this sad state.

And is he playing up to the local and expat straight and bi community for the same reason?

Will it last? Let us wait and see. History has shown us the likes of Suharto and the rest and how their allies fall by the wayside when they fall too. It has also shown us examples of what money can do to people and where they can end up.

So once again, will you fight for these skunks ?

And Get This Once More - You Seem To Be Hearing And Intellectually Impaired
They are still shoving the old farts into my face at cruising spots. And this other ethnic who works at the gym is actually living around my estate. If he harasses me again like he did at the gym, he is gonna get it from me.

As it is, I have moved my shoe rack further away from the Indian Eurasian's shoes. I have taken an even closer look at him and he is old. Looks like a fair-skinned Indian to me. He is definietly a different guy from the one I saw the other night.

And I am not smiling or talking with him which is another sure sign I am not interested in him. So I hope he gets the message.

Is this another gameplan of yours? It won't succeed. I see this old Hindi/wateva dude in the daytime and the faker at nite.

So it is a 24-hr surveillance or tag-team thingy. FUCK YOU MAN! Don't you get the message? I AM NOT INTERESTED. Not even for all the money in the world.

Imagine If I Were To Be With People I Hate
If my love for HIM could turn so bad, IMAGINE if I were to hook up with BIMBS and those whom I HATE TO THE CORE. I will be even more violent with people I HATE.

So please, get this really right people!

You Are My Lord, My God And My Saviour (Even More Updated Updates)

I have to tell this story because it is real.

Like a few of my previous blogs where I wrote about how a little prayer on my own has helped me overcome my severe back pain at one time and other misfortunes.

This despite being a non-church goer for the simple reason that I do not place my trust in mere fallible mortals and wavering between a free-thinker and agnostic. Still I trust there is a GOD somewhere.

And mere fallible mortals do not just include the high priests and priestesses but doctors, lawyers, educators, sages, personal trainers, real estate agents, insurance agents and the rest.

So when my new medical condition manifested its symptoms, I was frozen in shock. All I could think of was to quickly do a "wiki" to research what some possible causes were.

Immediately I threw away my half pack of ciggies as that was one of the likely culprits and till today I have never turned back.

As I couldn't do much, I began to pray very fervently and intensely. I asked the Lord to help guide me and to come to my aid in this time of need.

And there you have it, in the last week, the symptoms have all but disappeared.

Most likely benign idiopathic and due to all the stresses I suffered the past year.

Thank you my Lord, my God and my Saviour.

An Aside - Culture Shocks - First, Chat Channels
When I first entered a chat channel, it was a culture shock to me.

The kinda language used, the requests and the things being uttered. All kinds of sexual perversion.

I was expecting decent chats and topical conversation ranging from politics to social/economic issues and personal life experiences like family and relationships.

Not sex chats. Can't the two be on different channels and wavelengths?

Gradually I adapted and went along. Fortunately or unfortunately. That was part of the mantra of "Go with the flow" thingy and all the RUBBISH you spew out. But did it lead anywhere?

Even today, the foreign chat channels are really sick. Though I can understand some of the cultural and ethnic familial backgrounds are centred like that (the kinda familial dysfunction) and that is why I wouldn't wanna get too close to too culturally diverse a populace.

And Then Pornography - Do They Serve Any Purpose And Do We Need Them?
Just like when I first viewed pornography.

And as I said before I didn't have access to them till like when I was living on my own. And that is a very long time. I didn't need them because I could develop love, care and passion for some of my JC classmate, my NS buddies and yes the NUS dudes too.

Going Subcutaneously Beyond Being Skin Deep
Isn't that the way to start off first? A friendship and relationship, care and concern.

And pretty boys, handsome hunks and models are just that. A physical attraction and once we go beyond that, we look at more. Like character, personality, heart, values, ethos and so on. Frankly I get very sick of them. Just another face without depth.

So please let us try to map out a Singapore way of life uniquely ours despite some cultural differences.

All I Am Asking Is That He Pays Some Attention To Me And A Commitment - Look At Those Who Don't - Their Ages And The Places They Are Still Visiting
Otherwise I am like forced into isolation again.

I will only speak with people I like and nobody else. And isolation is gonna force me to do things which are NOT ME.

So please! Can we build a life together and I really don't need the rest.

Spas, men's clubs, chat channels, pornography, nightclubs and cruising spots.

Does he wanna follow many of the other gays' example? Many are not attached and look at their ages now. Especially the foreigners and they are visiting and living in Third World countries for reasons known to themselves.

The pathetic end and ages and they are still not waking up to this sad fact. Endless, mindless philandering and wandering, forever playing the field. Unable to form relationships or don't want to and the whole culture isn't helping any.

Once More - Stop The Self-Mutiny And Massacre Within Our Community
We are already onto self-mutiny, massacre, cannabalising ourselves and killing each other softly with our words in our very own community.

Them - They Are Trying To Knock Us Down
Then there is the media, the gals to contend with, parents, teachers and the older generation transmitting the same to the next generation.

We must stop this first by supporting each other and don't assign gender roles. Those who choose to transgender should but let us not plant the idea that the world is strictly divided into them and the rest.

And it doesn't help that conservative ethnics and fundamentalists (who won't accept gays even if we are monogamously coupled and decent living) among us and foreign Third Worlders with a different set of values are adding to the pressure cooker on one end of the spectrum and state laws are not helping any.

While at the other end of the spectrum, we are having the too highly sophisticated and sexually hyper First Worlders who wanna party and engage in debauchery.

Can we have it somewhere in between? A moderate?

AnyOne Can Succumb
Even the toughest and most hardened can and will crumble in the face of undue pressure and STOP THIS MADNESS of killing ourselves by trying to test our strength, character and so on. PURE NONSENSE! Be it straights, bis or gays or ex-gays.

Fiends with axes to grind perhaps?

As Long As We Are Happy With Each Other And Our Roles
I am happy with HIM just as I am sure HE is too. I know HIM as he must know me. I am there to support him, steer him off stereo-types and LOVE HIM to death.

Another Fervent And Intense Prayer
I pray to you my Lord that our relationship will develop, grow and blossom.

That I do not have to worry over him and that he is sensible and doing all the right things although I can only guess but not really know what is going on.

I pray for openness, honesty, communication and the truth in our relationship as I am doing this all the while. I hope he isn't playing the field or something just as I am refraining from doing so though he is isolating me communicatively.

I know for a fact he hasn't been telling me everything and the whole truth. I am saddened and just wish he would so I can move on.

He can't be at that age where he is so immature, can he? My love for him is genuine and sincere and I hope he can see and understand that.

Grow Up

And as another aside, I wish Gerald and his "brother" will also grow up and stop playing tricks, smirking and so on. The fakers that they are. It doesn't inspire confidence and trust in them. And I only wanna be with genuine people not fakers. Not the fakers at the gym, not at home, not anywhere.

One day they will face the music.

If Gerald's account is true, he got a golden handshake from the Armed Forces and that could precisely be the reason - the lack of seriousness, playfulness and trickery.

Grow up, for heaven's sake, as Daryl the Eunuch will put it but then, he sucks lollipops in class. Just like Chris.

And then there is He-Ape. Isn't he like taunted as "red bean milk" in his former school before and that really shows who he is and he expects everyone to follow his example.

A misfit and rebel who got kicked out of the public school system. Brother and 2nd sister too and they wanna project that onto the rest of us.

Mentor: Teacher, Terrorist And Traitor

I chanced upon this book : "Mentor: Teacher, Terrorist And Traitor". Fuck you bastard! You have screwed us enough and torn us asunder.

Just go drop dead somewhere and never resurrect in HELL AND DAMNATION!

I Have Got Another "Him" For An Emotional Prop While "He" Remains My Ideal Beau (More Updates)

Another HIM For An Emotional Prop
I was really glad I could have a heart to heart talk with another HIM. To me it was a totally honest, brutal, open and frank chat.

He is the first person I told my life story from almost the beginning to the end. For the other HIM, I only told like half my life story and my ex-classmates like Sabby and Claire only know dribs and drabs.

Of course Allan was the first person I ever came out to and whom I told very little of what happened at my home.

So really nobody knows about me except for this handful.

I felt relieved in a sense.

That is because I can be honest and open. You know the whole culture here of deceit, lies and dishonesty. They want you to be honest while they ARE NOT! Fuck you man!

Simple Person Trying To Eke Out A Living
It is true that I am a simple person.

Higher education, work, home and a beau. That is all I yearn for and I already knew this from the outset because of all that was happening at home.

But the workplace was just trying to match you with gals and my personal life came into scrutiny and question which wasn't their business. I must smile when they want me to like He-Ape and now I am also imposing this on others.

I can't be this and I can't be that. What the heck!

And because they themselves were probably like that, they projected themselves onto me and thought I was doing stuff on the side.

That included brother and 2nd sister of course.

Did My 2nd Sister Do That?
But wait. My nephews and niece of my 2nd sister attended He-Ape's school and I have seen my brother-in-law once at the branch I worked. So did they instigate He-Ape to fire me? That is 2nd sister for me.

She got into an accident recently and there was talk about collecting insurance coverage. I really hope that is the grapevine.

Is she charting my life like she wanna chart my nephews' and niece's? She wants my niece to study "nursing" thinking perhaps she will be a clinican one day. She is the jealous, conniving and evil type.

You Pay, I Work And I Got A Personal Life After That

To me, it is just a very simple philosophy : you pay me, I do the work and that is it. I got my own personal life to lead and as long as it is not affecting my work, I am entitled to lead it.

I Just Wanted My Kinda Home With One Gay Partner As A SoulMate And To Make A Life Together
I mean I wouldn't have hung out at those cruising spots till the wee hours of the morning if I had a supportive and warm familial environment. I would prefer to hang out at home.

Home meant stability and anchor to me. I mean my kinda ideal home.

So when I moved and got my own place, I never hung out at cruising spots anymore. I was contented until I leased out my rooms. Then trouble began.

Back To Square One
Now I am back to square one. I sold my place and the last four years I am cruising again on and off. Pathetically. And visiting men's clubs which I never knew existed or hankered after.

And I hang out late because I don't like the people I live with. Bull-Dog, Psycho, Fat Bloke, The Punk, the Hg Dude, Doray, Ben's and the rest.

If I don't like you means I don't like you, Get it? I won't open up to you. I will be very superficial and maintain a distance.

And I don't need to have privy to their living habits. It is none of my business. Your lifestyle is yours and mine is mine.

First and foremost I am there to stay ONLY. Everything else if it happens is secondary and so far NOTHING has. Who will wanna with the likes of Doray, Fat Bloke, BullDog and the rest.

More On 2nd Sister

Which include my family members. Why don't they mind their own business especially 2nd sister? She only pays lip service that she wanna help me since I dropped out of uni back then.

Did she ever? I don't see it! She is a fucking bitch and I cursed her with other accidents in her life where she will die from it.

Older brother has helped her with her divorce proceedings and with gaining permission from the Catholic Church for her remarriage but SHE IS NEVER GRATEFUL and still insist HE DIDN'T.

From her escape to JB, her subsequent divorce to that Malaysian/SPR dude named Ng Hwee Liang to her attempted suicide on a motor-cycle over her 2nd Indian/Eurasian then boyfriend but now husband. She is really a lot of trouble!

I HATE THEM TO THE CORE!

Just leave me outta your life and for me to map out mine.

Need I Repeat? This Made Me Drop Out Of Uni And Move Out
When I was young, Mom was always putting me down and the straw that broke the camel's back was when she actually encouraged me to drop out of university because I didn't pass the examinations and didn't go for my supplementary.

Remember Dad was already blind from cataract and glaucoma and retrenched when I was in Secondary 4, so finances was tight. Therefore I didn't wanna impose a further financial burden and I couldn't study in the kinda bad familial background.

Nit-picking from a naggard of a brother, physical and verbal abuses on everyone and the worst hit was my eldest mute sister and she tends to break out into "curses and swears" too, disturbing the peace.

Don't forget 2nd sister had divorced and remarried and the remarriage to an Indian/Eurasian wasn't exactly not impetuous. Fights, quarrels and a brood of boisterous nephews and niece.

And when brother married, sister-in-law problems.

So I moved out .

I Was More Like The "Serious" Kind While They Were The Partying Sort
I was hanging out at university with this group of "gay" fellow students as far as I can see. But they were more the partying sort and I was more the serious kind. And I just wasn't interested in their kinda culture, you know what I mean.

What I sense to be the promiscuity, playing the field and bods-loving type. Not that the foreign media with all the celebrities' portrayals and lifestyles were any good models. Thus we were picking up and aping them I guess.

They Didn't Care And So I Ended Up Where I Ended Up
I was trying to hook up with this senior who to me fits this "serious" image. He turned out to be a double-honors graduate later but he was simply not interested and probably "straight"?

He just cared for himself like the rest of them and so isn't everyone else? So why are they making me the bad guy to take the wrap when everyone else is like that?

And yeah, the other "straight" guys were also not keen.

I guess this is the one thing about "straight" guys. They are serious-minded - a career, family, education, job, home - that sorta thing while somehow the gays are different.

This is where I identify with the "straights".

It Is Within Ourselves, Truly

But on hindsight, it was just my low self-esteem, the troubles I went through that made me think I was inferior. Now I realised that the answers lie within me. The resources are inside me and good books help academically.

For sure hooking on to an academically strong person will help to a certain extent of course.

This is exactly what I am trying to reinforce into HIM that the resources lie within HIMSELF and the answers are not to be found on someone's face or faces. Usually it is a blank as well.

And he doesn't have to go through most of what I went through if he CARED TO LISTEN.

The Gay Culture
So there I was! TADA! And did I find that soul-mate within the "gay" circle? Nope and not many are attached. Therefore hopefuly the whole gay culture will change for the better.

It must because there are many good gay dudes out there who just want a peaceful, stable, communicative, caring, familial life I am sure.

This Was Me, This Is Me Now
All the while, I was the bo-chap kind and not very environmentally aware.

So when brother and mom nit-picked on some of my habits I didnt even realise. Like when I eat biscuits, they wanted me to hold a plate so the crumbs fall into it wherever I go.

And sometimes I may let slip the door knob and it kinda bang and brother is not happy.

I accepted people for what they are but after working with the various people like Sim Mong Chai, He-Ape, She-Ape and living with various personalities either leasing out or like now, I really start to hate the foreigners, the ethnics and the rest.

By Now, I Am Jaded And I Don't Bother About The People I Live With AnyMore
By now, I don't even bother about the tenants or landlords I lease places from. When I started, I was enthusiastic but Psycho, the dude at Hougang, Bull-Dog, Fat Bloke, The Punk, Doray and the rest just screwed everything up.

All those past experiences were so negative, why even bother trying to make friends?

See! That is how life has become. Jaded.

What Is The Whole Point?
What is the point to subject me to see all the dirty and lousy stuff like the streetwalking and prostitution areas?

I just pick up bad things and what if I become addicted? And to have to pay for these services is gonna cost me money right?

And wouldn't smoking and drinking affect my health and cost me money too? Do you know how much the branded drinks cost? A couple of hundreds per bottle. That is really expensive. Crazy.

A Stone Wall Of A Silence

And I am not sure why he is stone-walling me, not talking to me and refuses to meet me for even a while.

He is just forcing me into isolation and doing all the stuff I did back then which ISN"T ME!

If he doesn't like me, just say so and I am outta his life. I only need that one session of a heart to heart talk and I am finished and done with.

He has lied about where he schooled and I am sure many more. Sigh! Why? It is so un-necessary. Why can't we be open and honest?

Is this Chris' fault again? Must be. That fucking, inexperienced, old fool of a quack is just misleading all those young people he teaches into a web of damnation, lies and deceit which will ultimately kill all of us. Just like Daryl the Eunuch.

LDR - As Good As Surmounting Geographical Barriers Across Countries For That Sporadic Tryst Or Almost Like Internet Social Networking, Chatting And Instant Messaging - Pointless, Cold, Impersonal And Devoid Of Human Warmth, Feelings And Short-Term (Seems Like A Matter Of Convenience And Need For A Heartless Modern Society)

I have been asked if I am interested in a long distance relationship.

What is the point really? To Fly over or boat across the waters for that occasional or regular rendezvous? Isn't this like chatting or social networking over the Internet or messaging ? You want real people you like and get along with beside you to encourage you, support you and help you along the way.

Otherwise a LDR is simply crazy.

Once or twice a week is bad enough. Doesn't a husband or wife spend every day together? The hugs, the kisses, the cuddles and especially when you are ill.

Of coz everyone must wanna look forward to a live-in right? Despite some of the odds

All I Ever Need Is You By My Side

All I ever need is you by my side.

Can't you see I love you more and more each day.

I can't let you out of my sight.

You have that charm and vulnerability.

Which I treasure and love.

I am impetuous when I am with you.

I feel like crying whenever I see you.

I just don't know why.

I like everything about you.

I hate you when you won't let me into your world

Or spend time with me.

And when I hear about how you allow abuses in your life to continue

Why won't you let go and give your love to someone who will truly love you.

I see so many good things in you

While I can see how bad things can affect you with the people around you

I wanna be your anchor

I want you to do right

And stand up for who you are

You keep me in suspense and dangling

It is a feeling I cannot live with

I am agitated, mentally deranged and unstable

I worry and am anxious for you

I want your honesty, love, communication and faithfulness

I only want you just as I wish you want ONLY me.

Please don't let me hang for much longer.

The World Is Full Of Fakers (Updated Updates)

Noise That Makes You Go Huh?
Today I received two important telephone calls.

One was in the morning and as I am now staying on a low-floor and the environment sweeping vehicle was creating a din oustide, I couldn't hear very well.

The other was during my lunch-break and yes, you can't hear very well either at the crowded and noisy food-court too, can you?

Look Who The Gamers Are Bringing Home?
I am moving out again for the 16th time.

But before I go into that, let me explain what had happened.

Initially I agreed to lend Gerald the advance rental. But when I moved in and out of my room, I noticed that they were smirking and smiling and talking among themselves. That was when I realised they were playing a trick and flatly refused the prepayment.

So if you wanna play games, so can I.

As I said, I have two fakers at home in the likes of Psycho, Fat Bloke and BullDog. Maybe that explains the marriage break-up. I think Gerald can be childish and immature at times too despite being a father.

I don't know what is happening in his life and I am not keen on his "brother", So there!

And I Am Not Staying On.....................
And yes, he is leasing out the other room to an Indian Eurasian. I took one long look, noticed his blue trousers and how he is like and I AM MOVING OUT. Don't anybody get it? No ethnics, no gals, no those people I mentioned and yet they are trying to shove these people onto me.

Purportedly they are from our uniformed groups and everyone knows how critical I have been of them because of my past experiences.

So there is such a thing as textbook idealism and reality in this context. Personally I will not S-E-X with someone of a different creed, color or culture especially the abovementioned.

So it is a matter of choice and I have enough experience of them as my lower secondary classmates and the bosses at a private school which has since shifted near Ben's place.

Once again I tip my hat to those who do and they shall be the model for those who wanna follow in their foot-steps. But I won't.

That Is It - PointLess Being Sincere With Him Coz He Is Just Like The Rest Of The Community?
I have decided enough is enough with HIM. I sense all the other side of him far too soon and I just can't keep bottled up and not let him know what I see.

A mental retard, another faker, player, immatured and given his age, it is a shame, a dramatist, serial liar, someone who loves toxic relationships and being abused and a BIG asshole.

If he has been asking for time off early from work to "go play with his friends" all too often, why wouldn't his company be displeased. But he won't spare time with me or his family.

He was doing all the wrong things like stealing the family car out for rides while unlicensed and because of that, he wasn't inspiring trust and confidence from family and friends.

That also explains why his true friends left him because they saw in him what I saw too?

First class act with an interesting personality which is actually a fake! In the mould of Chris and Daryl the Eunuch.

And if the grapevine proves correct, he was making a fool of himself at parties among the locals and expats without realising it. And he is like the talk of the town among them. They were mimicking what he did and how he laid stupidly on the floor doing some more ridiculous action.

He is gonna be famous for all the wrong reasons. He is trying to be the centre of attraction. He is gonna go haywire with the crowd he hangs out with. He needs anchoring.

Tell Me Where We Are Heading And Gimme That Commitment
All I wanted was that heart to heart talk and just finish with it and move on but he refused me even that. An honest, open, no-holds-barred chat. And a once or twice a week meet-up can't be demanding?

If that can't happen, where is this relationship going? If he is not keen, just let me know and I will move on. I will never let people dangle and I will always make things very clear from the beginning.

If I don't like the person and I am not interested in him, that is it. So I will make things clear. It is the same with girls whom I will always remain friends only.

I just cannot understand him.

Demanding, Proud And What Else?
Yes I can be all that and more. While shopping and in a relationship I can be demanding.

But if you generalise without being specific, I can't change, can I?

And I only change if I think it is true.

Totally Brutally Honest SMSes
I have texted him relentlessly and given him more than a resounding earful for his beneficence.

Totally brutally honest and it is up to him to digest it.

Decoded, It Becomes.........
At the end of the day I am just saying:

"You are someone I care about so I worry about you! Because I care, I get all worked up about you. That is because I can see you are a good kid but you are impressionable and the people around you are not helping. They are egging you on in all the wrong direction.

I am afraid for you once you get your car license. Will you be responsible? Will you try to show off? Thus chauffering your friends around and especially to clubs. Will you drink and drive and speed? Do you have a deathwish that way?

I am having tension headache, I am all tensed up, a knot in my forehead and yes I kinda cringe my wrists and arms and all. All curled up in tension.

And in a relationship I am emotional and impetuous. If you are my beau I dont wanna worry about you. I wanna have confidence in you and me, trust, have faith, be open, honest, truthful and communicative. And spend time together.

No games. No playing the field. If you can, I can. If you don't, I won't too. So we can keep on playing the field and will that lead to anything?

You are lust AND love to me but it began first as LOVE so that is gonna sustain it.

Otherwise what is the point in any relationship?"

Being Sober In LIfe Is No Fun - Life Here Is So Full Of Traps
I have taken to drinking hard liquor everytime before I meet him.

Because I really dunno wat is happening in his life and so on. So being sober is gonna kill me. Being half drunk loosen me up and keep me sane and not so worked up. It calms my nerves.

But I won't know what that will do to me!

Another Faker
80 bucks for a pair of insoles. That was the opening bid before it was bargained down to $40. I paid $30 as that was all the cash I had and I meet HIM again for my other shoe's problem. A faker!

Glue and stitch for $25. Stitch a pair of plastic? I thought it would be more for fabric?

Ok so plastic can be stitched.

You Are Not God And Try To Script Our Lives According To Your Gospel
The community and the State have made me lose my job, my home, my car and my everything.

That includes a war-mongering family like my second sister. Why won't she just stick to her business and not interfere with mine?

Among other new gossip I hear now is that I am accused of having a share in a company and therefore receiving an income while sitting down idle.

Someone is just trying to script my life and hound me to death. Who I can't be sure! And it is just the whole stinking place of people here whom you cannot trust.

I will never forgive them till the day I die. And I will seriously jump off a building if nothing pans out soon.

What Else Can Stress Do?
My new medical condition symptoms have all but disappeared.

My research has shown that it is most likely to be benign idiopathic. That means it must have been due to all the stresses in the past year.

I am really glad.

I just hope my knees and legs hold up well enough. They don't seem to work very well these days.

Not On A Witch Hunt But Only Too Keenly Aware
I am not on a witch hunt but I am keenly aware of who is who. Unless I am not noticing, stressed and too pre-occupied.

Some of them I am interested in. Just that there is that missed connection. No opportunity for an opener to something more?

Unless we run into each other regularly.

But I already have HIM and just waiting for his WORD and I will drop everything.

Final Messages To The Community (Any Kind)

One Last Final Message
All I can blog about is this:

Clean up our act and be very circumspect in the kinda values and messages we transmit.

That we want a monogamous or mono-gendered relationship. That we don't wanna be side-kicked in any relationship. Other relationships are on a friendship basis. That our relationship is of true flesh and blood and not surreal. That it is possible to make living together as one.

We don't really have to push for gay marriages (though this may be an ideal). Look at the straight world and how it has turned out. If we can maintain and live together in a relationship without the need for a covenant, it shows how much stronger we are and our ties are.

It is all up to us. Though there are cynics. But we have role models in the straight world, don't we? Lasting relationships.

All I Ever Need Is Him
He hasn't given me the heart to heart talk and a commitment. So I am in a fix as to what the status is gonna be. Who else is he seeing? What is happening in his life? Is he two-timing? Etc.

If he does commit, I will drop everything. I don't need them and everything else.

I only need HIM.

That soulmate, companion, live-in buddy and all. Doesn't he get it?

Ordeals
Let me write about the ordeal I have to go through with my family, our very own community and at some small and medium family enterprises

My Family Ordeal
First, my brother. He is such a naggard. He tries to write the script for my 2nd sister and me. That we are like that and so and so. For one, he accuses me of having someone to back me up who I don't. He always thinks the worst of people.

You should examine his track record at his old workplace. He politicks so hard, many of his former colleagues got fired. I met one who is now a cabby. And he is one of those God-pointing type for this and that.

He is doing the same to us. He always owns the mentality of driving big cars to show off. Our old place is Dad's which he has sold and bought another in his name.

Work Ordeal
Then at He-Ape's, his family thinks I am like gonna open up my own tutorial school. I did for a year at home and that was because he chased me out.

And I didn't enjoy it because I have to know how to talk to home-makers whom I dread and some will try to match-make me with girls.

Just like He-Ape's wife. Full of cynicism and I was criticised for using tissue paper to wipe myself after food and she insinuates that I am like a gal.

And perhaps try to match me with a gal even. Ask if I contribute to the family kitty and so on. What business of hers is it?

What about Shrill-Voice-Accident-In-Her-Face? She can't have guys cross their legs when they sit. She has a problem with that.

Look. I am here to do a job. Not have my personal life scrutinised or privacy probed into. And if she wanna intrude, she jolly well help. She can by raising our pay, doling out more bonuses and yes, match me with a guy. Whom I can relate to and like.

Not ethnics. Not anyone. At least someone with some intellectual capacity and who can share the English language freely and communicatively.

Of Course! They Too
Is the gay community any help either?

Nope. You have long hair and you are assigned a certain gender role. It is all about a public image. And I have proven this with my test and experiment and my profile pics are testimony to the kinda stereo images we all have.

Look at Chris. He wanna break people down. He has only one world for the gays. The world of the transvestites or transsexuals. I guess he wanna breal people down for those roles.

That was perhaps also He-Ape's motto. They wanna break you down to see if you are man or woman. Those sick gender role thingy again to see if you can take pressure.

That kinda sicko stuff.

There you have it folks! Need I say more?

No Straddling For An UnMistakable Sexual Identity
I can straddle two worlds of old and new, east and west, etc but surely there are fundamentals we can't straddle.

For instance I can't straddle the two worlds of the opposite-sex love and same-sex love. That will side-kick one and create unhappiness, confusion and trifling with their affection among the contenders.

It is gonna be short-term, as good as it lasts. It is only gonna be fun and it will be gone in a wink. And you will be left empty, used and devastated.

So this is fundamental. Get it?

Straddling Two Worlds

Straddling Two Worlds
I am at that age bracket where I straddle the two worlds of both young and old, modern and tradition, east and west and a bridge between generations.

I can understand what the young is going through while not totally agreeing with some of the things they are doing. At the same time, I can also understand their parents' concerns and perspectives.

I will try to let the kids in on their parents' worldview. At the same time, I try to relate to their problems as best as I can. Stuff I went through myself like loneliness, sexual identity crisis, lack of support and a bad familial environment.

Though I didn't do many of the things they do to get the attention.

Even today I don't have that network of support of friends and family.

For me, it is just about getting work, attaining higher education, establishing real friendships, cultivating some hobbies and sports AND MOST IMPORTANTLY a home and a beau.

And there are guys at any age (of coz not the KIDS) who share that, I am pretty sure.

Straddling Again Between Home And Outside
I can be a homebody or go out pub and club if need be but HOME is first and foremost. If he wants it, I CAN. ONLY FOR HIM and nobody else unless it is close friends.

But I prefer we are anchored first as homebodies and everything else is second.

And we must connect and be able to communicate and share some interests together and a language affinity like English (at least).

I am sure HE is more on our side than he thinks otherwise. Therefore I wanna help him realise his blind spots and cross over to us - he is at that age group where the KIDS don't really need him.

He is really gonna get himself into hot soup.

This Is Me Again
Teaching is where I self-actualise myself and express myself.

There are the KIDS who think like me and I wanna chaperone them. Not the rest like that punk at AMK or HIS brother. The better-behaved ones.

And they are trying to push me to the matured (meaning really old, therefore I share nothing in common) crowd or the girls (whom I will just treat as friends).

And remember. I come here to do a piece of work assigned. Not have my personal life scrutinised or probed into. To be witch hunted. Just remember that.

Deep Sadness And A Broken Heart
I am not sure what is gonna happen to me.

With a new medical condition cropping up, no projects, no job in sight, no income, no money, no home, no support, no nothing, I might just jump out a building soon if nothing pans out.

The things you put me through and at my age! Half a life gone and thanks to the maligning by my family and the community.

There, a finale to a script?

Messages To All Kinds Of Community - Straights, Bis, Gays, Wateva (Updated)

Some Nagging Questions - Is He Linked And Connected With My Ex-School, Chris And The Rest

This is the feeling I get somehow.

That gal who came up to ask us to buy ciggies on her behalf because of age restriction just didnt seem right. She was studying in a a school linked to Chris. And also that ACS boy (at least he wears the school logoed tee) who was milling around the park.

I know where his eyes roll whenever we are together.


Questions remain who he stays with, who is he and where does he study. And what is really happening in his life.

In a totally seemingly unrelated event, a few Indonesian Malay tourists ask me for directions to Clifford Pier, Golden Mile Complex and Harborfront. And we know wat kinda locations these are! I was told there is a message behind this.

I need this heart-to-heart talk to clarify things with him and see how best I can help him and how we can move ahead together.

That Is Me
When I work, I perform my duties and try to communicate as well as I can.

There is no need to indulge in gossp and bitching about others unless absolutely necessary.

Now You Know Why I Am Cutting Ties With My Siblings

At one time when I was really skinny and thin, I was maligned to be suffering from AIDS by who else but my very own 3rd sister. She is a PIG who doesn't lift a finger to do anything and relegates this to my brother-in-law and mute sister.

My own brother has a load of theories about who I am and what I am thinking. But see how he and my 3rd sister's relationship has turned out.

Why I Will Never Return To These WorkPlaces Where There Are "Loyalists" Like Agnetha And The Malay Clerk And Other Gay Tutors

At work, there are loyalists at He-Ape's.

Little does he know, these loyalists are feeding him mis-information and mis-judgement and those newbies (who would be truer and more loyal) are being maligned by the loyalists and thus forced to leave.

Loyalists like She-Ape, Agnetha, the Malay clerk and the gay tutors. They are feeding him all kinds of rubbish while not peering into the mirror themselves to see who they are.

Everyone knows that all the while I have been quietly doing my work. So why are they witch-hunting me down. How is that gonna help me?

That Is Some Of Them Or Is It Most?
Unfortunately the likes of Daryl and the rest have other ideas. They like to intrude and slime others. Thereby breaking other people's rice-bowls which include mine.

For instance he expects me to teach like his way or that Oliver, the former English teacher, can't teach. But can he?

That rude gay was right. Don't judge others. Looks deceive. It is only an image or nick. Hey what about me? They were scrutinising and judging me all the time and broke my rice-bowl.

So why shouldn't they get a taste of their own medicine?

I Must Have Been Slimed And This Was Me All The While
All I was doing at home was to lease out 1-2 rooms and really that was like so much bother and trouble before I decided to lease out only 1 room.

Then at one point I provided guardianship to one foreign student for a short period and that was it. And I was setting up a home-office to engage in training.

With all the troubles at home and no job and no projects, I have to sell off my place, invest but since that investment broke me, I am now like back to square one. Dead broke, homeless, flitting from place to place and suffering an array of medical health problems and depression.

So people (and I am not sure who - neighbors maybe) must have slimed that I am overseas most of the time (when I just keep my doors shut), have creditors coming after me (those were sales people or the postman or some others) and a slew of other gossip.

That is how bitch-whoring the community is. That I am divorced and alone. Plus GOD_KNOWS_WHAT_ELSE! Were they helping or were they adding on to your woes?

As I was telling someone, even if you are not dead, they will script your life till you do.

Like now.

Messages To The Community (All)
I. Accept Each Other As We Are And Don't Try To Change Each Other Too Much Except To Help Realise Blind Spots
Embrace and support each other. Embrace diversity. All kinds. The man and woman inside each of us. Accept that and reinforce, complement and supplement each other.


This is actually the crux I am driving at - THE GENDER ROLE-PLAYING AND PERSONALITY EXHIBITS.

With a nation divided down the line which is of a multi-split nationality kind, don't expect its citizenry not to be functioning as multi-split personality too.

Don't go on a witch-hunt. Identify and pick out people. Target personal attacks on one another. Value judge. Try to exorcise and marginalise each other into male, female or transgendered roles. Worse, according to Chris, "break him down". That was his mission statement.

If you wanna intrude, make sure you are helping out not adding to the gossip and woes.

II And To Be Exceptionally Circumspect When We Speak, Write Or Act Lest We Send Out The Wrong Or Confusing Signals, Thus Misleading Others And Doing More Harm
And to do no HARM. In the state Chris is in, impaired as he is, he is gonna say a lot of things that will harm and mislead others.

But I Can't Take This
But a few things I can't bear - rude, attitudinal, bitch-whoring and overbearing ways. That will surely earn a quick rebuke and similar reaction.

You are rude, so can I. You wanna bitch. So can I.

So does that make for good and cordial relations?

Is "Avatar" My Destiny?
Is my life being scripted as in "Avatar"?

I now have a new medical condition. If that can be settled, I wanna move on to settle the other.

In the meantime life goes on. But will I hold up or will I be like the people in "Avatar"? Is that what you wish for me? So be it.

Social Scripts, Cliches And Quotes (Updated)

Another Social Script
It is unimaginable that we are writing all kinds of social scripts for today's world.

I was listening in to this international radio station when the deejay claimed that you haven't really loved someone if you do not cry when the two of you break up. I think the aggrieved has every right to choose how he wanna emo - be it journalling or confrontation or otherwise.

This is just another inane social scripting for today's society among others. Another that cropped up was how women love bad boys. I am sure NOT ALL DO and to each his own. So please do not generalise for the entire populace. Anyway I hope not.

Everyday this kinda social scripting is being played over the media and various state agencies and our young are lapping them up like a hungry dog as if they are gospel truths. The old days of proverbs and quotes by famous people are also fast becoming obsolete and redundant.

Even personal quotes or shoutouts on individual blogs or messenger boxes are really bones of contention and items to pick at.

So I have decided to delete mine and write only simple and less contentious slogans and shoutouts.

So there!

Cracked?
I just discovered Gerald has an electronic monitoring device at home wired to telecommunication devices.

Perhaps that explains how my IPhone may have been cracked because I used it once to check on my Color-Me tone and Voicemail feature . Then I got an auto-call from my own phone while at the movies.

And yes there were all those mysterious IDD calls and auto-dial text and calls which were linked to an App I think. I have since deleted it.

I am not sure whose doing is this frankly.

The IPhone
Of course besides being a phone for the young in terms of Applications, there are also ACCESSIBILITY features for the old like white on black, mono audio and zooming features.

I do not necessarily approve of some of the Applications but good and clean social networking is fine with the ultimate goal of getting that ONE and only beau.

And really NOT SEX and for me, I do not mix gals and guys as I WANNA BE STRICTLY MONO-GAMOUS and MONO-gendered.

Otherwise there will be complications.

My Only Fear About Pubbing And Clubbing
Nothing with mingling and holding your drink and chats and so on.

But when it costs money and becomes expensive and there is that ra-ra bravado of urging each other on to drink till stupor, then that is health-damaging and putting yourself in jeopardy like drunk-driving and god knows what else!!

That is when DRAMA begins.

Plus all the effects of late nights and a smoky environment and deafening music.

One Thing I Do Know
But one thing I do know is that I can't give up on HIM and I have to be there for HIM, despite the few white lies he told here and there like the two-week vacation he has which he claims he hasn't.

So I hope he was spending time studying at the library (maybe going back to Malaysia even) and unlike the occasion after work when his friend drove or cabbed to pick him up for a house "party". (somehow this word is so dirty and laden with bad thoughts because of movie portrayal of making out, drugs and drunkenness and I cannot confirm what was happening either except that there was "gaming" but again where was he exactly?)

I am just saddened he could do that and spend a night away plus all the occasions of watching movies, eating out and I am not sure what else, without his parents grumbling and he can't do it for me. Just for one night.

No Need For Games - We Are One

By now I already know who he is, just as I know who Gerald and his brother are. So I can accept everything about them and there is no need for any games.

That is all.

Adidas Shoes Slit Open? And Tiger Soft Toy On Satchel Missing?

I just discovered my pair of Adidas mid-cut boots had its seams at the sides wide open on not one but two of the pair.

Today my tiger soft toy on my satchel was gone with its metallic attachment dangling and split apart.

Either the shoes were a result of wear and tear or the above and my soft toy was yanked away or somehow became detached itself due to some pressure.

Flatmates As Friends? Ha Ha...Not In This Case

When I shared this with Gerald and his brother, they thought I was implying they did it. So I told them I was sharing it with them like friends would share their problems.

Now I know the kinda mentality and frame of mind they own. There you have it folks! You wanna be friends with these people leasing rooms or houses out. They just wanna collect rent. You think they wanna be friends? They would be apprehensive if I try to strike up a relationship because they think I wanna dodge on rent.

Besides the harassment for advance rental money (to pay for his Mom's op but as I learnt from a neighbor that a creditor came aknocking), Gerald knocked once on my bedroom door and without waiting further for me to open it, just barged in like that. What kinda behavior is that?

So now I know more about their character.

This Is The Community's Doing

I think this community is staging all these drama for me to script them. I am not even sure all that had happened to me are true.

I will only blog when necessary.

Period.

All I Want
I am a homebody person. Work, sports, nature, some entertainment (like pubbing. movies and dining) and home. Time with beau. chats and so on.

I really don't wanna go spas, men's clubs, spend money on money/rent bois and so on.

Why Do This To Me? Enough Is Enough

You put me out here and I start heavy chain smoking and indulge in all kinds of rubbish because of the stresses of dealing with different landlords and fellow tenants.

Plus all kinds of un-savoury neighborhoods like Selegie and Geylang and Havelock.

No income, no home, no nothing.

And I have a new medical issue to contend with! Life is great!

Gregorian And Lunar New Year Resolutions And Wish List 2010 - The Way Forward (**Updates)

A Fusion Or A Dichotomy
Even the title for my blog says it all. That fusion or dichotomy of West and East.

However contradictory that may sound (aren't we already an island of contradiction of old and new, modern and traditional, Chinese and Western Astrology with multi-split nationality to boot) I will now try to reconcile and resolve the two differences as best as I can

For My Living Quarters
I can't afford condo prices so it seems like public housing is the way to go. Unless of course a miracle happens.

I will like to live near water and nature. Quiet, serene, tranquil , scenic and soothing environs where I can exercise, trek and take long walks. But with easy access to 24-hour round the clock food and conveniences. And yes, if the city is too far away, a car is a must. This is where I wanna chill out like cafeing, a movie and other entertainment.

I can tolerate living near young couples and families, but not the old folks, the blue-collared or the foreign workers. The younger set like students, working professionals and expatriates are most welcomed.

Unfortunatey, I am totally secular (does not necessarily mean materialism). Therefore I can't be living near too religious people or an overwhelmingly culturally diverse populace .

**As it is, to put me under constant threat by denying me that security of a roof over my head is TOTALLY UNFORGIVABLE and I WILL HATE YOU FOR LIFE FOR THIS!

The denial of a home base just affects many facets of my life.

For A Career
Higher education dealing with better or higher-ability youths (though I am sure the slower ones will ONE DAY catch up and youths do not necessarily mean teens or preteens).

Not too old a student body though. Asian Chinese/Koreans/Japanese/South Easterners or a Western population is much coveted. English language proficiency and accuracy is a must.

After all education cuts across barriers and I will expect that they form the majority while the rest will be a minority.

Be it in communications, business, finance or science and technology.

I can be a creative consultant too giving inputs for ergonomical designs, technology and innovation.

For A Familial Life
A younger Asian Chinese beau well-versed in English (Mandarin is ok too) is most definite. Someone I can connect to intellectually, communicate with and so on. Yes maybe even adopt a boy kid (optional).

But younger Western beaus who can speak the English language well can be considered too.

For A Balanced Life
Sports like running and gymming or other adventure viz nature and the like.

Overseas trips.

Entertainment like cafeing and pubbing....not so much clubbing with loud music or dances. Home parties with food and drinks seem fine.

Movies, shopping, dining and the usual fare.

Me, My Interests And Hobbies
I like technology and aesthetics. I don't like drama at home, creating a scene, kicking up a fuss (but to be totally honest and open and communicable) that sorta thing but humor and jokes and jibing is fine.

I think I am modern in outlook and I have very little tradition left (by virtue of our exposure and education).

Aesthetically anyone can see the stark differences between a shawl bought from a flea market and one bought off a luxury brand house. Even tens of dollars will buy you a piece of cloth with marked differences.

Because of a love for technology, I have gotten myself an IPhone and a Mac BookPro. And there is good news on the horizon. Adobe Flash will be available over Apple handheld devices most probably in the 2nd quarter of the new year. That means we can have flash player to play a variety of websites that require them. Movie trailers for one on cinematic websites.

And yes we control technology not the other way round. Therefore I make sure that I have control over the IPhone and not the IPhone control me in terms of the data and cost usage.

And I am all wirelessly wired up. I don't feel tethered that way and I was always prone to yanking wires or tripping over them anyway. Yes, wireless portable speakers are available but not sold here. Therefore excuse me once again if I am all wirelessly wired up.

I am the kinda person excited about the exchange of ideas on a variety of topics and subjects like Philosophy, Science, Business and Economics and especially about LIFE but with a very hands-on practical yearn.

I like reading hands-on kinda books too.

And building up meaningful relationships with like-minded people.

Is my wishlist and my resolutions too much to ask for?

Wise Old Sage - You Speak Once Again With Wisdom And Truth
Yes I read excerpts from MM Lee's forum discussion in "Today"'s edition yesterday (oops oxy-moronic).

Wise Old Sage. Such wisdom and wise words in a long while now.

I can't agree more with all that has been said. It is comforting he understands the cultural miscegenation/divide thingy so well. I tip my hat to those who do and they are models for those who choose to follow them.

And truly we can't shut off the Internet or the cellular network completely now can we? Therefore casinos too I presume. But we can try to mitigate its effects like we already are. Like we can sleaze control? Away from residential zones and in appropriately designated ones?

And it is always better to have a fixed quantum of "corruption" in that sense rather than unbridled or excessive corruption in countries where the public sector is lowly paid and fed.

I remember I did blog about snowballing corruption which I have an issue with. Today a diamond ring, tomorrow a luxury car and what next - a whole human body transplant?

Inane as that sounds.

That Was Like "Selfish" To Me
And I think I am actually in dire need of comfort, hugs and reassuring words from HIM now in the light of all my losses and losses and losses but he can't, over the next two weeks because of festive meet-ups and I presume with his "brother".

Oh please! Fuck the brat. Like in the case of my Chinese ex-roomie. If their "brothers" repeatedly commit those silly, brattish, outta control addiction, they must face the MUSIC ONE DAY. So LET THEM!

We can't always molly-coddle, clean up and bail them out consistently!

Bad as it sounds, I cannot connect to Gerald as well as I can with HIM!

I Need It More Than Them - They Are Better Dramatists And Attention Getters While I Am A Quiet, Long-Suffering Silent Type Which Is To The Detriment Of My Health

I think I need his love and concern more than his "brother".

And the final dagger to my heart, once a week is only possible if time permits.

And I hated his "brother" because I can see through him, like some of the bitchwhores at the coffee-shop, my ex-room-mate at AMK, the fucking gay I went out for "Avatar" with or my flight attendant ex-bf that he is the fucking rude kind.

And then will turn lovey-dovey again like the sociopath in "Girl Interrupted" to get the things he want. Thus alternating between PiG and lovey-dovey. So I really pity HIM if he is gonna hang out with this "brother" who is gonna RULE OVER HIM. It is the wrong crowd he is with!

But as a consolation, I actually got my hugs and cuddles in bed from a very guai NSF personnel and that comforted me for the night.

Chemical Encounters
My first encounter with the sniffing chemicals was from a gay I met eons ago. It just provided a rush but for several seconds. It didn't become an addiction of course but an on and off affair and never happened again for a very long time.

Because I remember the brain damage it could do.

The first and last time I had the other kinda stronger chem was a year and a half ago when I was distressed. This young snookering and clubbing dude was peddling it online.

It was expensive and I insisted he accompanied me and took it right along with me. He accompanied me for a while and it was half an hour later before it took its effects. I didn't feel high but dizzy and it lasted some good minutes. That was all.

So I wanted to kill him for the false promise and hype he generated about getting high and turning on music and so on. It was all LIES!