I was really glad I could have a heart to heart talk with another HIM. To me it was a totally honest, brutal, open and frank chat.
He is the first person I told my life story from almost the beginning to the end. For the other HIM, I only told like half my life story and my ex-classmates like Sabby and Claire only know dribs and drabs.
Of course Allan was the first person I ever came out to and whom I told very little of what happened at my home.
So really nobody knows about me except for this handful.
I felt relieved in a sense.
That is because I can be honest and open. You know the whole culture here of deceit, lies and dishonesty. They want you to be honest while they ARE NOT! Fuck you man!
Simple Person Trying To Eke Out A Living
It is true that I am a simple person.
Higher education, work, home and a beau. That is all I yearn for and I already knew this from the outset because of all that was happening at home.
But the workplace was just trying to match you with gals and my personal life came into scrutiny and question which wasn't their business. I must smile when they want me to like He-Ape and now I am also imposing this on others.
I can't be this and I can't be that. What the heck!
And because they themselves were probably like that, they projected themselves onto me and thought I was doing stuff on the side.
That included brother and 2nd sister of course.
Did My 2nd Sister Do That?
But wait. My nephews and niece of my 2nd sister attended He-Ape's school and I have seen my brother-in-law once at the branch I worked. So did they instigate He-Ape to fire me? That is 2nd sister for me.
Simple Person Trying To Eke Out A Living
It is true that I am a simple person.
Higher education, work, home and a beau. That is all I yearn for and I already knew this from the outset because of all that was happening at home.
But the workplace was just trying to match you with gals and my personal life came into scrutiny and question which wasn't their business. I must smile when they want me to like He-Ape and now I am also imposing this on others.
I can't be this and I can't be that. What the heck!
And because they themselves were probably like that, they projected themselves onto me and thought I was doing stuff on the side.
That included brother and 2nd sister of course.
Did My 2nd Sister Do That?
But wait. My nephews and niece of my 2nd sister attended He-Ape's school and I have seen my brother-in-law once at the branch I worked. So did they instigate He-Ape to fire me? That is 2nd sister for me.
She got into an accident recently and there was talk about collecting insurance coverage. I really hope that is the grapevine.
Is she charting my life like she wanna chart my nephews' and niece's? She wants my niece to study "nursing" thinking perhaps she will be a clinican one day. She is the jealous, conniving and evil type.
You Pay, I Work And I Got A Personal Life After That
You Pay, I Work And I Got A Personal Life After That
To me, it is just a very simple philosophy : you pay me, I do the work and that is it. I got my own personal life to lead and as long as it is not affecting my work, I am entitled to lead it.
I Just Wanted My Kinda Home With One Gay Partner As A SoulMate And To Make A Life Together
I mean I wouldn't have hung out at those cruising spots till the wee hours of the morning if I had a supportive and warm familial environment. I would prefer to hang out at home.
Home meant stability and anchor to me. I mean my kinda ideal home.
So when I moved and got my own place, I never hung out at cruising spots anymore. I was contented until I leased out my rooms. Then trouble began.
Back To Square One
Now I am back to square one. I sold my place and the last four years I am cruising again on and off. Pathetically. And visiting men's clubs which I never knew existed or hankered after.
And I hang out late because I don't like the people I live with. Bull-Dog, Psycho, Fat Bloke, The Punk, the Hg Dude, Doray, Ben's and the rest.
If I don't like you means I don't like you, Get it? I won't open up to you. I will be very superficial and maintain a distance.
And I don't need to have privy to their living habits. It is none of my business. Your lifestyle is yours and mine is mine.
I Just Wanted My Kinda Home With One Gay Partner As A SoulMate And To Make A Life Together
I mean I wouldn't have hung out at those cruising spots till the wee hours of the morning if I had a supportive and warm familial environment. I would prefer to hang out at home.
Home meant stability and anchor to me. I mean my kinda ideal home.
So when I moved and got my own place, I never hung out at cruising spots anymore. I was contented until I leased out my rooms. Then trouble began.
Back To Square One
Now I am back to square one. I sold my place and the last four years I am cruising again on and off. Pathetically. And visiting men's clubs which I never knew existed or hankered after.
And I hang out late because I don't like the people I live with. Bull-Dog, Psycho, Fat Bloke, The Punk, the Hg Dude, Doray, Ben's and the rest.
If I don't like you means I don't like you, Get it? I won't open up to you. I will be very superficial and maintain a distance.
And I don't need to have privy to their living habits. It is none of my business. Your lifestyle is yours and mine is mine.
First and foremost I am there to stay ONLY. Everything else if it happens is secondary and so far NOTHING has. Who will wanna with the likes of Doray, Fat Bloke, BullDog and the rest.
More On 2nd Sister
Which include my family members. Why don't they mind their own business especially 2nd sister? She only pays lip service that she wanna help me since I dropped out of uni back then.
Did she ever? I don't see it! She is a fucking bitch and I cursed her with other accidents in her life where she will die from it.
Older brother has helped her with her divorce proceedings and with gaining permission from the Catholic Church for her remarriage but SHE IS NEVER GRATEFUL and still insist HE DIDN'T.
From her escape to JB, her subsequent divorce to that Malaysian/SPR dude named Ng Hwee Liang to her attempted suicide on a motor-cycle over her 2nd Indian/Eurasian then boyfriend but now husband. She is really a lot of trouble!
I HATE THEM TO THE CORE!
Just leave me outta your life and for me to map out mine.
Need I Repeat? This Made Me Drop Out Of Uni And Move Out
When I was young, Mom was always putting me down and the straw that broke the camel's back was when she actually encouraged me to drop out of university because I didn't pass the examinations and didn't go for my supplementary.
Remember Dad was already blind from cataract and glaucoma and retrenched when I was in Secondary 4, so finances was tight. Therefore I didn't wanna impose a further financial burden and I couldn't study in the kinda bad familial background.
Nit-picking from a naggard of a brother, physical and verbal abuses on everyone and the worst hit was my eldest mute sister and she tends to break out into "curses and swears" too, disturbing the peace.
Don't forget 2nd sister had divorced and remarried and the remarriage to an Indian/Eurasian wasn't exactly not impetuous. Fights, quarrels and a brood of boisterous nephews and niece.
And when brother married, sister-in-law problems.
So I moved out .
I Was More Like The "Serious" Kind While They Were The Partying Sort
I was hanging out at university with this group of "gay" fellow students as far as I can see. But they were more the partying sort and I was more the serious kind. And I just wasn't interested in their kinda culture, you know what I mean.
What I sense to be the promiscuity, playing the field and bods-loving type. Not that the foreign media with all the celebrities' portrayals and lifestyles were any good models. Thus we were picking up and aping them I guess.
They Didn't Care And So I Ended Up Where I Ended Up
I was trying to hook up with this senior who to me fits this "serious" image. He turned out to be a double-honors graduate later but he was simply not interested and probably "straight"?
Need I Repeat? This Made Me Drop Out Of Uni And Move Out
When I was young, Mom was always putting me down and the straw that broke the camel's back was when she actually encouraged me to drop out of university because I didn't pass the examinations and didn't go for my supplementary.
Remember Dad was already blind from cataract and glaucoma and retrenched when I was in Secondary 4, so finances was tight. Therefore I didn't wanna impose a further financial burden and I couldn't study in the kinda bad familial background.
Nit-picking from a naggard of a brother, physical and verbal abuses on everyone and the worst hit was my eldest mute sister and she tends to break out into "curses and swears" too, disturbing the peace.
Don't forget 2nd sister had divorced and remarried and the remarriage to an Indian/Eurasian wasn't exactly not impetuous. Fights, quarrels and a brood of boisterous nephews and niece.
And when brother married, sister-in-law problems.
So I moved out .
I Was More Like The "Serious" Kind While They Were The Partying Sort
I was hanging out at university with this group of "gay" fellow students as far as I can see. But they were more the partying sort and I was more the serious kind. And I just wasn't interested in their kinda culture, you know what I mean.
What I sense to be the promiscuity, playing the field and bods-loving type. Not that the foreign media with all the celebrities' portrayals and lifestyles were any good models. Thus we were picking up and aping them I guess.
They Didn't Care And So I Ended Up Where I Ended Up
I was trying to hook up with this senior who to me fits this "serious" image. He turned out to be a double-honors graduate later but he was simply not interested and probably "straight"?
He just cared for himself like the rest of them and so isn't everyone else? So why are they making me the bad guy to take the wrap when everyone else is like that?
And yeah, the other "straight" guys were also not keen.
And yeah, the other "straight" guys were also not keen.
I guess this is the one thing about "straight" guys. They are serious-minded - a career, family, education, job, home - that sorta thing while somehow the gays are different.
This is where I identify with the "straights".
It Is Within Ourselves, Truly
It Is Within Ourselves, Truly
But on hindsight, it was just my low self-esteem, the troubles I went through that made me think I was inferior. Now I realised that the answers lie within me. The resources are inside me and good books help academically.
For sure hooking on to an academically strong person will help to a certain extent of course.
For sure hooking on to an academically strong person will help to a certain extent of course.
This is exactly what I am trying to reinforce into HIM that the resources lie within HIMSELF and the answers are not to be found on someone's face or faces. Usually it is a blank as well.
And he doesn't have to go through most of what I went through if he CARED TO LISTEN.
The Gay Culture
So there I was! TADA! And did I find that soul-mate within the "gay" circle? Nope and not many are attached. Therefore hopefuly the whole gay culture will change for the better.
It must because there are many good gay dudes out there who just want a peaceful, stable, communicative, caring, familial life I am sure.
This Was Me, This Is Me Now
All the while, I was the bo-chap kind and not very environmentally aware.
So when brother and mom nit-picked on some of my habits I didnt even realise. Like when I eat biscuits, they wanted me to hold a plate so the crumbs fall into it wherever I go.
And sometimes I may let slip the door knob and it kinda bang and brother is not happy.
I accepted people for what they are but after working with the various people like Sim Mong Chai, He-Ape, She-Ape and living with various personalities either leasing out or like now, I really start to hate the foreigners, the ethnics and the rest.
By Now, I Am Jaded And I Don't Bother About The People I Live With AnyMore
By now, I don't even bother about the tenants or landlords I lease places from. When I started, I was enthusiastic but Psycho, the dude at Hougang, Bull-Dog, Fat Bloke, The Punk, Doray and the rest just screwed everything up.
All those past experiences were so negative, why even bother trying to make friends?
See! That is how life has become. Jaded.
What Is The Whole Point?
What is the point to subject me to see all the dirty and lousy stuff like the streetwalking and prostitution areas?
I just pick up bad things and what if I become addicted? And to have to pay for these services is gonna cost me money right?
And wouldn't smoking and drinking affect my health and cost me money too? Do you know how much the branded drinks cost? A couple of hundreds per bottle. That is really expensive. Crazy.
A Stone Wall Of A Silence
And I am not sure why he is stone-walling me, not talking to me and refuses to meet me for even a while.
He is just forcing me into isolation and doing all the stuff I did back then which ISN"T ME!
If he doesn't like me, just say so and I am outta his life. I only need that one session of a heart to heart talk and I am finished and done with.
He has lied about where he schooled and I am sure many more. Sigh! Why? It is so un-necessary. Why can't we be open and honest?
Is this Chris' fault again? Must be. That fucking, inexperienced, old fool of a quack is just misleading all those young people he teaches into a web of damnation, lies and deceit which will ultimately kill all of us. Just like Daryl the Eunuch.
LDR - As Good As Surmounting Geographical Barriers Across Countries For That Sporadic Tryst Or Almost Like Internet Social Networking, Chatting And Instant Messaging - Pointless, Cold, Impersonal And Devoid Of Human Warmth, Feelings And Short-Term (Seems Like A Matter Of Convenience And Need For A Heartless Modern Society)
I have been asked if I am interested in a long distance relationship.
What is the point really? To Fly over or boat across the waters for that occasional or regular rendezvous? Isn't this like chatting or social networking over the Internet or messaging ? You want real people you like and get along with beside you to encourage you, support you and help you along the way.
Otherwise a LDR is simply crazy.
Once or twice a week is bad enough. Doesn't a husband or wife spend every day together? The hugs, the kisses, the cuddles and especially when you are ill.
Of coz everyone must wanna look forward to a live-in right? Despite some of the odds
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