Of Love, Relationships, Friendships, The Gay Culture And Another Prayer (***Even More Updates)

Another Fervent Prayer
Oh God, like I have been praying to you fervently and intensely the last couple of days, today I am appealing to you once more.

A Nice, Warm, Funny, Caring And Communicative Beau Like Him (If This Is Real Or Unless It Is A Learned PR/Sales Thingy)
I really wished it was HIM that I am attached to.

But maybe he is already seeing someone (why doesn't he tell me when I asked him?). Were they those people I saw? I really dont know what else to do because I have done almost everything I can to stay in touch but there is no response.

So if you don't think it is HIM, grant me my beau to support me at this hour of need.

I can't connect to the older crowd because there is that cynicism, that baggage and that lack of ideas to communicate with.

Or a too culturally diverse people because of a living divide like language, lifesytle, habits and practices. Not Filipnos or wateva. Nor gals.

You know if I care too deeply about someone, it affects me all the way. My mental and physical health is affected as HIS case has shown.

I pray to you that my other requests will be met .

A Place Of My Own
Finding a suitable room to move out to and eventually buying my place REAL SOON. Some nature? Some water? Some long-distance running and walking facilities and strength training spots nearby.

A Job And Income
And a job or projects to keep me going. I can't be dealing with the motley crew in all kinds of vocation. It has got to have some intellectual stimulation. Of ideas, technology, current affairs, etc. So education and training looks like it.

Your humble servant.

Do I Really Need To Repeat Myself?
I hope this gets through ONCE MORE.

I will know who my BEAU is when I see HIM. There must be that CONNECTION. There were quite a few but it seems like the relationship (if there was one in the first place) didn't work out and I wasn't their type.

I think HE likes fair mates (or maidens) like I do in some cases. But certainly I don't like the ONEs who are his friends or colleagues.

Just too bad when I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. I accept his looks, his roles and his skin condition. That was how far I went. Even if he were to be of a different creed, I WILL STILL LOVE HIM.

His Was Just A Case Of Pleasing EveryOne And A MindLess Bend To EveryOne's Calling
Unfortunately I feel that in HIS case, he was just getting himself into all kinds of toxic relationships and still wanna be in them.

Stupid as that sounds. All kinds of bad relationships. One day he is gonna be stuck in one forever.
Mindlessly trying to be popular and bending to one and all's wishes. Only sharing the good times and fun AND NOT THE BAD TIMES. That is what his friendships are all about.

Let us see how far this is gonna get him.

And equating a worthwhile life with a hectic schedule.

Once More, That Space And Distance And Distinguishment Between Friends And Relationships
It isn't gonna be ethnics, mixed or the UNHOLY TRINITY. I have to be very aware and keep my space and distance from them to avoid the CULTURAL divide.

Colleagues will just be colleagues.Friends are friends.We will maintain cordial , friendly and professional relations, that is all.

There will be that special few who will be close friends and that ONE AND ONLY elusive and special BEAU. They will be my priorities NOT options or activity partners. REAL sharing and communication.

While I prefer a one-on-one, everything else is open provided if I click with ALL (meaning guys only) in the party.

I can't be in a relationship with a pair of CONJOINED TWINS when I only like Mick but not Mitch, can I?

Though I really prefer a ONE-on-ONE.

What Happens In The Gay Community Happens In Other Communities As Well Of Course
I am not criticising the GAY CULTURE per se.

I naturally blog about it because I am a part of it, observing and experiencing it.

It happens too in the other types of communities.

The Gay Culture - Then , Now And The Future
I am just saying that the GAY CULTURE CAN'T ONLY BE about being indecently fashionable, a flesh parade, a meat rack, appearances, pretty boy looks, physique, muscles, drugs, debauchery, body piercings and designs, all kinds of portrayals of imagery and acting, sex parties, clubbling, intoxication, cruising, dick sizes, all kinds of perversion and in most cases, a face pic is a must for a meet-up?

I suppose we all wanna look good but if a relationship or friendship is premised solely on that, it must be seriously WRONG!

It must also centre on building a life at home, spending time together like home-cooked meals, household chores, home movies, love, hugs, kisses, cuddles, consummation, commitment, conversations, sharing good and bad times, encouragement, mental and moral support, kindness, open, honest and truthful communication.

Spending time together outside. Sports, movies, nature, strolls, the sea, the sun, leisure activities and social networking. Work. Character, personality, chemistry, resolve, sacrifices, selflessness, attention and the like.

AND faithfulness.

Somehow this isn't happening often enough, so can I see a TRANSFORMATION?

We Are Not One, We Are To Ourselves

Don't count on the community for support.

You should be happy enough if they don't break you up with your beau, mislead us all and script the community to our condemnation, damnation and death. And more myth and lies and folklore. It is about money, about debauchery, about all the above culture I wrote about and about being a business.

The old and the young are the same. Leading us to the BLACK HOLE and not the LIGHT!

That is what WE ARE.

I Am A Total Nervous Wreck And I Can't Wait To Move Out, Start Work And Get Into A Really Serious Relationship
First, The Living Evirons
I am pretty anxious and it shows.

First my living environment. I don't enjoy the company of the people I am living with and the physical environment sucks.

It is like living with my family all over again. My sisters and my brother and MOM (especially when we were young). No connection, no bonding, no communication, no support, no understanding or love.

Second, A Failed Attempt At A Relationship
Eversince that fateful night, I have been feeling like a MONSTER and feeling very BAD for what I did. But I hope HE understands that it is because I lOVE HIM.

Everyone else will just laugh along, say nice things, sing praises, go along with the flow, engage in a public relations exercise, flatter and try to please you JUST TO BE "FIENDS".

A true friend will tell you LIKE IT IS so that you see the OTHER SIDE of a coin.

Like He-Ape. Always praising She-Ape. And buying us coffee (to keep us awake during teaching sessions?). A public relations exercise or corporate welfarism?

Third, My Age, My Life-Span And My Resources When Compared To The Younger And Richer
Some more, age is not on my side. You don't have to put me through all these indignation when half my life is already gone.

Let it befall the young and rich and those who wanna keep up. Being younger, they have better coping capacities and a longer life-span to restart all over. And they have the financial and social resources to deal with it.

I really can't. I am not getting younger. I am at my wit's end and on the brink and WITH NO RESOURCES TO COPE , financial, social or wateva.

It is like despite telling my dentist that, he is not getting it and subjecting me to all the indignity he puts me through. The protraction of the dental treatment though I appreciate him waiving off the last few treatment costs.

And The Rest............
What's more, I am homeless (flitting from rented room to rented room and holed up with all kinds of non-supportive people whom I don't like), jobless, beauless and money is running low .

I need all the mental support, comfort, hugs, love, encouragement, kisses and cuddles I can get.

I am NOT GETTING IT from HIM and worse, we broke up. So I am really down in the dumps and a TOTAL NERVOUS WRECK and ALL ALONE AND WITH NOBODY TO CARE FOR ME !

I am a wreck and I can only EMO all by myself, always thinking about HIM with tears in my eyes while trying to keep up appearances and to HOLD UP as best as I can.