Suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after my break-up and all those financial distresses (or could it be partly because of the withdrawal symptoms after I have quit smoking), I am still nursing the numbing and arousal after-effects.
Of course all those past bad memories that I have to confront in my class and meeting up with people from my past life just added up.
The arousal effect must have got me blowing my top at the bank teller. The last time they wanted a fee for a replacement card but now they wanted me to apply for a totally new card with annual fees to boot.
And of course as PTSD's numbing effect would have it, I am really weary/wary of starting any new relationship. Not just gay love relationships but friendships in general.
Sure, I have read about the after-effects of nicotine from Wikipedia but it doesn't put across the message as strongly as this book on psychology does.
Namely that of making you inactive, its action in blocking out the neurotransmitter from the receptor site so that your muscles become sluggish and slow to react, which was what I was feeling lately especially when I work out.
And that sexual arousal part. Enough damage done, I thought, it is about time I quit and I did. It has been about 5 whole days now.
Think - it takes an intellectual discourse to wake me up from quitting smoking. Not a no-smoking ban nor a composition fine nor a court attendance nor a CWO. Wouldn't that have been a more positive persuasion than all the negative punishment imposed?
Which was when I posed the question - were you more concerned with my health or were you after the money?
Corporal Punishment Is A No-No
I still opine that corporal punishment must never be the negative reinforcement imposed to elicit a positive good behavior.
I have witnessed two sons taking their old parents out for a meal at a foodmall. When the old woman reached out for her food on the table, one son slapped her on the wrist. Was this a retaliatory move for what the old woman did to him when he was younger?
What about my my elder brother? He was hammered like hell when he was young by Mom and Dad. So when Dad was bed-ridden and Bro bathed him, Bro inflicted the same kinda physical violence on Dad (as I heard from my two sisters).
I still think that any corporal punishment imposed on a young child will elicit a similar physical violent manifestation in that child's life sooner or later. He/She is either gonna inflict this on the punisher (usually the parents when they are old or disabled) or on some other persons like a sibling (like what Bro did to 2nd Sis and me) or a friend or a working colleague later on in life.
A BirthDay Surprise
With all the above that was taking place, I wasn't really thinking about my birthday. I know Zahara has asked me for my birthdate but I didn't remember telling Wai Leng about it at all.
During the lecture break today, I was totally surprised when the discussion group members beckoned to me. I walked over and there on a small table was a cake and a lighted candle. They sang the "happy birthday" song and I made a wish in my heart and blew out the candle.
My wish was really to get over my financial troubles, get a new beau, have a roof over my head and start on my new career in education (which is my true vocational interest).
I almost really wanted to hug Wai Leng at Zahara's urging because she had planned this surprise and Rafidah (affectionately known as FiFi) actually made out the birthday card.
I was touched and I hoped I didn't say anything stupid because I had requested to share the small slice of cake. I didn't mean to hint anything like the cake was too small for instance. It was just a stupid remark.
It has been a long time since I felt happy and this was it. When was I ever truly happy anyway throughout my life?
When I got home, I sent out a thank-you message to the whole group and I keyed in other members' contact as well other than the few I already had.
I will be seeing the group this Saturday for dinner and I think they are worth it! Here's to seeing you this weekend! And they are like my dear brothers and sisters.
Relook This 'PsychoPathology'
Bipolar Disorder or Manic-Depressive - This means a mood swing between happiness and sadness. When you are stressed or suffer some emotional or financial setback, it is natural you feel sad or depressed. It could be for days or weeks or months especially if the stressor doesn't go away.
To get away from the doldrums and to avoid people remarking how sad you look (and they will usually ask you to cheer up), we will try to perk ourselves up and smile or try to be happy.
Sometimes we smile despite all the troubles, sadness and depression we feel inside. This is just to put on a cheery face for the world and to try to ease ourselves out of a bad emotional state.
So is this really bipolar or manic-depression?
Repression And More Bad Memories
Try as hard as I did, I couldn't remember the name of this particular CPA firm. I think it has an "associates" to its name and it is in one of the two famous landmarks for similar kinda firms back then in Beach Road.
I must have repressed the bad memory so much that I can't recall its name today.
Yes, I forgot the son of the father partner of that CPA firm was also schooled in a university in Australia. All part of the rich brat pack and they hand-hold their kind to join them here.
Even at my school library, each computer runs on its own idiosyncracy. Only the librarian has privy to them. One wasn't connected to the printer and some couldn't read my Chinese text.
Sim Mong Chai doesn't seem to understand that I had trouble operating in different clients' operating environments.
And yes then there is Richard, the loud scolding screamer who limps. I am not sure if he is that same guy who later became a tutor and from all accounts I heard, was still a screamer, maybe even more. Both the East Malaysian guy and I were the salespeople for his company then.
Computer networking back then was a tangle of long connecting wires and installation diskettes for the software back and you will excuse me if I am not that deft with my hands and brains yet.
Oh did I mention that when I worked in the medical devices' business, the Association for the Visually Handicapped was a highly fractious and political entity. I could smell the discord and infighting when I visited them on-site and they were like trying to get free meals off medical companies like the one I worked for.
Sports Psychology
I would like to rebutt Chris on this.
He took it that sports psychology was to motivate sportspeople into peak performance.
Yes, the sports coach would be the one to engage in biomechanics like analysing the motor performance and improving on the motor skills. The physical training part.
But the sports counsellor would look into the psychological part - the motivation, the concentration, the destressing and so on.
It shows how much knowledge or new knowledge Chris has.
Searching For The Wrong Roots - Perhaps She Should Go West Not East
I like this article written about "searching for roots..." in which the journalist wanted to take a month sabbatical to study the Chinese language in a yet-to-be decided Chinese province.
She refers to immersing herself in Chinese culture which in this case meant a little bit of wushu and maybe calligraphy or conversing with the locals.
Chinese culture is fast disappearing. The traditional way of life, the traditional attire, the customs, the kinda houses, etc. Sadly, it is adopting Western ways, in particular the American way. From fashion to the English language to the lifestyle (think clubs and pubs for one) to the economy to the monied ethics.
All that probably remains is the language and some of its food and festivities.
But I still wanna think that as most folks have still got that communal and countryside spirit in them, that the Chinese are friendlier, more helpful, kinder and more profound in their interpersonal relations. And I wanna get into the Chinese psyche, how they see the world, how they feel and how they think and if they have a different perspective .
I like to think that they are more intelligent, have a deeper grasp of issues and better at interpersonal relations and resolution of conflicts
One particular reason the journalist cited for learning the Chinese language was that she missed out on such a viable economic tool. It was a shallow piece to begin with that didn't really provide any new or profound insights.
I think I about had it with the Singaporean mentality!
Psychology And The IRs
At the bookstore, I was browsing for some books on the topic of psychology. There were plenty and I had to compare one with the other.
I chanced upon one written by the University of Nevada, Las Vegas which incidentally has a presence here.
It seems that psychology goes hand in hand with our upcoming IRs which was really what this university satellite campus here was gearing its students up for.
More Intrigue - Henry And The Construction Industry
I realised one older female classmate works for the construction industry. She has a hubby working in the defence team.
As you can remember, a senior management staff from that industry has ever attended to me with regard to starting a private school at their premise. I have rejected this after evaluating the appropriateness of the site and the kinda people I will be working with.
In fact he looks a lot like Henry who leases a room from Ben here at this place whom I never liked one bit.
I am not sure if there is a link here
The Politics Of Madness
I can relate what I read in the book on psychology. Childhood masturbation and homsexuality were deemed to be psychopathologies in the past. These were actually not psychopathologies just socially unacceptable behaviors of that time.
And in the name of politics, anarchy once was also a psychopathology. It is like give someone a bad name (like call hm a Marxist) and hang him.
Get This Into Your Thick Head! A SoulMate Is A Personal Choice
First I got a harassing call from a foreign Indian. Then a Malay called and scolded vulgarities. After that I called him to sock it to him.
At the gym, I can see the few Indian managers conversing with their kind and a Malay dude. And I keep bumping into this Malay dude at the loo. They even send that PT to talk to me about taking up heir PT program. That I know!
Mere coincidence? Someone out there is sending them to me. Just who I cannot be sure.
I know it and I can feel it. I am NOT the least bit interested in any of them and I am pretty sure they are instigating some of the China Chinese working here.
That ethnic and mixed gender class group of mine is just gonna be friends.
I am prepared for the worst case scenario in the event of any further spiral in the financial crisis and if anybody thinks s/he is gonna inherit anything, s/he is seriously wrong and demented. I will leave nothing.
*Period*
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