Some Things Bear Repeating Because You Are Not Listening

I Still Can't Get Over Him
You would have thought it was good riddance and closure for me. Fact is, it isn't. I still have lingering feelings for him and even after I thought I could close a chapter on this emotional trauma and drama of my love life, I really couldn't.

I tried patching up and persuading him to return and his reply seared through to my heart. He asked if I was sick (lovesick that is) and denied his sexuality once again, threatened to report me to the police for sexual harrassment and asked that I do not stir up unnecessary trouble for myself.

I almost wanted to weep my heart out.

The other day when I bumped into him at school (or at least I waylaid him when I knew he had a class going on) , his frivolous, callous reply was chilling and that was when I decided enough was enough and determinedly decided to be on a quest for another roomie.

The next day, I sunk into depression and I was still thinking about him over the next couple of days. I began to have tension headache and felt very, very exhausted, so much so that I laid off gym training for a while.

And I text him again to bid goodnight like I always did before he moved in.

I was so emotionally affected by this incident that I blew my top at the towel girl at the gym. It was like a breaking point. And she asked for it because it just wasn't that incident but a culmination of several.

Is That Too Much To Ask
He was a huge disappointment as a roomie even though I had told him what he could expect.

First I wanted a buddy whom I can relate to, chat, do some things together, an emotional and mental anchor and of course if it happens, it happens - sex. And I know I had reduced myself to no more than a slut but then again that is my usual attire at night - nude in bed or topless in my underwear.

He did steal sidelong glances but didn't bite the bait and we just did our own things. He did his own thing more than I wanted to and he had exams coming up, chatted online and spent three nights away.

So we didn't even have a chance to really bond though we did chat quite a fair bit.

But when he left, he wasn't so frequent online. Why?

I can only surmise he had all those gay friends with him or whoever else and he didn't need the online chats anymore.

This Is Not A Drama Script Or A Wedding Game
I hope he doesn't expect it to happen like in the drama love serials. Somehow I thought he wanted to script it that way.

The flowers, whatever.

I told him I don't like emotional scenes and I am getting very, very tired of fakes in a relationship - that is the kinda drama we have come to expect from television or the movies.

Or the PTs trying to be like one of the boys and going into regimental style physical training in National Service. Such fakes.

A Consolation - Another Hot Young Chinese Dude To Pour My Heart Out To
So I did the next best thing and asked this young China friend out.I want to pour out my sorrows to him and I know he will understand better, being from where he comes from. A similar background to my roomie.

You would have recalled I met him working at the cafe - the hot young dude with the pretty delicate facial features, the red petal lips and perfectly snow-white complexion.

He would have been my first choice if he wasn't as unresponsive up untill now.

I can trust him more than I can trust the circle of gay people.

Damn You! First The Lecturer And At The Gym
I am not sure if this is another script and test whoever out there is trying to put me through for whatever reasons.

Maybe they thought I would be driven into the arms of my counselling lecturer and have therapy sessions with him as he wished.

I must make it pretty clear I am not the least bit interested in him (or any blimp) or in any of the Indian-Arab PTs who seem to hover around me whenever I am training or at the lockers.

First there is no chemistry and second I am not physically or sexually attracted. We can be friends, sure. Especially this Hindu-Arab.

Sure my lecturer is funny and cute. But it ends there. I find him repeating himself and the same few antics one time too many. And all those utterly insiduous remarks and untruths. I even question now if he works for the hospital as he claims to.

The experience sounds fake. I wanted to laugh out loud when he talked about what he thinks the pharmaceutical sales experience was. It wasn't really true, some parts of it. And being a psychologist, how would he know? He isn't a psychiatrist who dispenses medication and wouldn't then be in contact with pharmaceutical sales personnel.

First it is a company which did personality tests, then it is a school. So which is which? Then he is married and childless, now he admits he is single. And that explains why he has only one marital counselling to his credit.

He questions "intent" so what is his?

And Then My Classmates
Or even the ethnic women sitting around me during class. We don't share quite the same kinda religious or non-religious outlook.

I can relate to Claire only because she is an English-languagy person like myself and she had completed a course with the same school on "Creative Writing".

A friend to talk to during class and focus on our lecturer's chamelonic speech of all kinds.

*Period*

I Am Not Ready For Another Relationship Yet And A Non-Glam Vocation
With the kinda emotional trauma inflicted upon me by my roomie, I don't even wanna start anything with anyone like this gay hair stylist I know or even Rafi, my flatmate.

I only wanna work within an education institutional environs, not the medical corp services. I have been there and yes, it isn't pleasant facing oncology patients and the whole works. I caught my chicken pox too while on my pharmaceutical sales round.

Certainly I can't do marital counselling.

Youths and sports, specific population groups I certainly can. Not serious delinquent kind but milder versions, I hope.

Not the big psychotic and neurotic kind which is in the realm of psychology anyway, not counselling. Something simpler with kids like bullying or career counselling and sports motivation and counselling.

There you see - a non-glamorous job, cleaning up after the system which troubles so many people out there. Money problems, social problems, policy issues, the whole darn thing.

We Don't Need Pornography
Ban pornography for good. We don't need them. It is all pure lust.

I didn't have access to them when I was in school or in the army. It was very, very much later like when I lived on my own or earlier that I did.

Without them, I had feelings for all those people. Gabriel, Joo Wei, Allan, Chong Beng. Because it started with relationships, personality, etc.

But now I am the way I am, I am not too sure but the next generation surely can be protected against it.

Nice Coffee Chat - But What Lies Behind
I met up with Ben the houseowner to discuss my roomie moving out.

Actually I am beginning to think he was that VP once when I guardianed a China student at a SAP school. Now he isn't at this SAP school and is running a private tutorial and I know he has diverse grassroot contacts here. Both community and religious groups.

I enjoyed chatting with him but I know Ben is more like in primary school kinda mode. And it isn't so practical-oriented.

And of course all he has to say of the China students are negative. I tend to agree because of my past experiences but I am still keeping faith in my roomie. Of course I am shattered (as Ben must move around the gay circle more) that gays can't keep faithful to a relationship.

Despite everything, I am still rooting for my roomie but can you blame me when I see what happens around the KTVs here. The old and young men. Some must surely be married and can you imagine their wives or girlfriends? Trust? In the blind about their activities or just turning one blind eye.

And what the gays are doing too.......at least the ones I see.

Free Full Body Check-Up, Not Just HIV Testing - What About Foreign Sex Workers?
What of some of our leaders? They wanna test for HIV for people admitted into hospitals. Why not do a free thorough head to toe bodily medical check-up to screen for other diseases as well, not just HIV? Wouldn't that be more appreciated?

If they are so serious about rooting out HIV, foreign sex workers working in sleazespots would be at higher risk. So why not them too?

I Hope Not, That Would Be Like So Ethically Wrong
I am not even sure if Ben and my roomie are contacting each other on the sly.

He can be a boyfriend snatcher though I thought he is coupled with Rick. I mean all those visitors late in the night. And he has said he can turn a blind eye (for me if it is relationships it could be devastating) and I know he has done so on himself.

He is purportedly flying off to Canada to further his higher education in May, the same time my ex-roomie's student pass is expiring. The same country of origin of both of their programs.

Sometimes it is just the connection or link. I could be wrong of course. But what of his school during his absence?

I hope he has my interests at heart as he claims to.

Not Just Any Beau But A Beau
Well I am not that young but that does not mean I must be holed up with people much older or maybe a few years apart from me like Doray or my lecturer or Aunt Chan Moi's son or FatBloke and whoever else. When we just don't click.

I can click with my roomie but too bad he is just too distant for me as he wants it that way.

I know I am looking to settle down and Ben has told me older people are more stable. True but I am sure people at any age are settling down so age is not the preoccupation here.

If they wanna flirt, I can do the same. It is "open" though I rather not. Yes, both guys and girls. I can. I truly can.

Get This Again, Assholes!
So please assholes.

Grant me that passageway. No any political party joining for me. No coercion. You are just making me hate you like fucks even more. Maybe that is what the community is trying to do. Instigate me into being Che Guevara like my roomie and my lecturer are trying to.

My job. My house. My nestegg. My beau. My own thing. I am not that young anymore.

One day I may even thank you and support your cause, if you reform, that is.