Mending My Broken Heart

Yesterday night I looked at myself in the mirror and I hated what I saw.

It wasn't about my acne-scarred face or about ageing or the few grey hair strands I am beginning to harvest.

I was reflecting on my love life and what had gone so terribly wrong.

What began very earnestly in my youth beginning from the time when I was a secondary and junior college student right up to my army life and beyond, all I wanted was to look for that one soulmate, that one romanticism and love I could always call my own.

It never happened.

I couldn't come out to a mainstream that is unaccepting of gay love or at least in perpetual denial or in hiding behind a mask.

When I thought about it, Gabriel Rodriguez wasn't the only crush I had way back in primary school. In secondary school, there was Tracy Bracken and Andrew Boey. I kinda liked Andrew Seah too.

Then there was that dragonboater in JC and Allan wasn't the only army mate I came out to. There was Chong Beng. But he had a girl friend and proudly displayed her to me to tell me that I should just stop thinking ever of striking up any relationship with him.

In the university, there were a couple of guys but of course, being "hetero", they turned moi right down.

At work there were some guys I liked but of course we can't come out and say such things outright now, can we?

Then there were a couple of those foreign students.

Now at this age, I am reliving the same living hell all over again. I think I have enough of heartbreaks and this recent episode hasn't exactly put me in a good emotional state.

Lord, can you please spare me the emotional pain all over again.

All I want is to settle down to one good beau who knows who he is and not in some denial or hide-and-seek games. I am frankly getting very very tired. I don't want to go through another emotional drama or that kinda stinking depression that eats into you once someone up and leave your life and LEAVE YOU COLD.

I can be frivolous about a whole array of stuff like fashion, clothes, food , whatever.

But when it comes to love and relationships, I AM DEAD SERIOUS.

Is that so difficult to ask for?