Dear Uncle Agony And Anguish

By now, the intelligent, sharp, discerning and perceptive readers among you would have drawn many parallels between my many "seemingly" disparately woven blogs. You would, for one, have logically concluded that resited schools face the same dire fate as decrepit and deserted housing estates.

I remember the Da Qiao Primary School of old, standing desolate and in no man's land right smack in the heartlands of Ang Mo Kio. There are quite a number of such old schools around if you care to look. With our national thrust to be the global education schoolhouse and education hub, many private schools have heeded the clarion call to move into these premises, usually at their own expense of sprucing up.

It is the same with the old Housing Development Board Authority's headquarters at Bukit Merah. Compare this with its spanking new and swanky headquarters in Toa Payoh now. Or the extensively and beautifully re-done up Republic Polytechnic at the old Ministry of Education Kay Siang's site which will move again to new premises in Woodlands by next year.

The question is just what is going to happen to these sites, how many of them do we have and what of the expense of sprucing up and then moving out again to brand new premises. Could we not have redeveloped on the same site while the institution is placed at a holding one?

To elaborate just how perfunctory is perfunctory whenever I visit my General Practitioner, it is always customary a wooden ice-cream stick holds my tongue down while a torch is shone into my oral cavity. Temperature is taken to ascertain fever and flu-like symptoms and the consultation's conclusion is simply writing out a prescription for medicinal dispensation.

Missing your favourite doctor and evading his stand-in, the locum, is as alien an experience as students sitting out their lessons with a substitute teacher while their form teacher or subject teacher is nursing a maternity leave or on operationally ready National Service duty.

Two Chinese Nationals I met feature tops among the callous and economically-driven capitalists that have made China what it is today. One talks incessantly about the business his father is in and the money-spinning machine that it is while the other stops at nothing to recruit members for his as good as pyramid-selling health products.

It is like sitting in a drive-in movie with a ugly fat girl who yaks non-stop about the King-size burgers she has gulped down earlier in the day and all this happening while you are sick with a serious lower back pain, trying as hard as you can to get peace and rest.

Yes the world could have been a different place with the Chinese in charge. We can't be sure if it would be better though. If historians think that the Chinese are a peaceful and harmonious tribe, think again. The Warring States and the reign of Qin Shi Huang are as good as any indicator of the kind of world order we may be subject to.

As to if we should submit to the authorities and that they have mandates from Heaven, this thinking is as ancient as rhinocerious horns are thought to be aphrodisiac. 99% of the time we have lived our lives on this planet as nomadic hunters and gatherers. That explains whey when tribes cross paths, they kill to protect themselves.

Thus is it any wonder when city living forces divergent people to live together, that it is as sure a broth of trouble as trouble already is? Anyone coerced into statehood and nation-living then must surely has a legitimate claim to a birthright and entitlement to equality, fair treatment and so on, shouldn' t he? It isn't as if he asked for citizenship in this land in the first place, did he?

What exists of the state if its function isn't to distribute the fruits of its harvest among its people and not just to a select elite. What right does one group has dominance over another simply by owning the factors of production or power or wealth? We are born to rule equally.

The newspaper today (which I must say has been a source for much confusion as I now have to ask for "The Straits Times" rather than my old request of "Do you have today's papers" to which I will invariably be handed a copy of "Today", thank you for the semantic bungle) featured a hilarious gossip piece under the Aunt Agony's column.

Incidentally it is named "Teen Confidential" and so what is it doing in the open domain of the public press every weekend then? Here we have the resident counsellor highlighting a most amusing story of two same-sex buddies who are getting too close for comfort both on bed and in the bathroom.

She remarked that the accidental plomp of the guy's head on his friend's chest while both slept on on not one but two occasions, could be a result of him dreaming of his girlfriend and suggested inviting a girl out for a triple date as proof of his heterosexuality. That way the gay friend's inclinations could be shaken off.

For heaven's sake, it is obvious one dude is gay and onto the other and the least she could do was to make life comfortable for them both by asking the other to start fondling his friend's private parts and start blowing it as soon as circumstances permit in the public bathroom. Mua ha ha ha.

The following is my version of a Uncle Agony column:

Q. Recently I have noticed hair sprouting from places which signal pubescence. I have been having wet dreams and the dreams I dream are of naked men carrying me off to a far-off land and we having an orgasmic orgy. Is this normal? I am male. -----Signed Confused and Wet.

A. Your dream is as normal as a dream of two guys showering and kissing in a hot spa, except that that is about the only two people in the sauna making out - minus the galls. Wake up man! This is the 21st century and homo-erotic love has never been more openly displayed. I suggest everytime before you go to bed and know you are gonna get wet for the night that you invite a similarly pubescent boy or boys for that matter, preferably from your school or class. That way, you will know that your end of the dream has a 100% chance of materialising.

Q . My best buddy has recently taken to me like one Greek God Adonis to another Roman God Apollo. He has been stealing side-long glances at me in the swimming pool showers, even going as far as audaciously rubbing his beautifully protruding penis whilst masturbating and squirting his hot cum before my very eyes. How do I avert this? ----Signed Confused yet Tantalised.

A. There is only one stinking way out of this tight squeeze you have cornered yourself into. Rejoice and partake, you ingrate! Your friend is only trying his best to make you horny and you are not even appreciating it. The least you could do is to join in, cup his balls and cock in your hands and give him a good blow-job. After that, you may adjourn to the cubicle and fuck the living daylights out of each other. Enjoy you stupid nerdy coward of a sex-starved yet repressed Asian hoodlum! Do you and your best butt a favour. Read the famous "Kama Sutra" and position you and your buddy in exotic positions only acrobats can envy with drooling saliva.

Q. Please help! Uncle Agony! I am 120% straight ace but recently my best buddy has been giving me that queer look. He has been wanking and exposing his butts to me in the school bathroom. Worst, I think he is trying to suck me dry during detention class when no one is looking. I must say he has cute tight little butts and he is enormously endowed. What I am afraid of is being caught by the Discipline Master who is a young chap in his 20s, a graduate of the College of Physical Education. --- Signed I Very Scared But Horny For Threesome

A. You are absolutely paranoid. Wanking, blow-jobs and sexual intercourse in the male school toilets are as common as a school full of teenage abortionists. Who says that young cute and virile Discipline Master cannot complete a sexual circle of troilism. How do you know he is not gay? If both of you get caught, invite him to the party. I swear he will not only award you demerit points but probably hand you guys condoms to play safe sex with him from now on. Enjoy, you horny bastards!