It Is GoodBye For Now

I can't sit for long, stand for long and walk for long. This is the legacy my spinal lumbar fracture had left me. Thinking back, it was amazing how I pulled myself up to walk home, then to the hospital and back again, despite the back-breaking pain. How did I do it? What strength was it that drove me on, bearing with the excruciating pain? It was the same amazement I look back on when I single-handedly did up my house when I moved in. The paintworks and decor.

I realised there is this big reservoir of stoicism and steely resolve in me. Going without food for days on end, weeks even except for a dumpling here and there. An Australian teacher once remarked to me how I should get to know the feeling of war when they celebrated some Civil Defence Day in school. Shut up BITCH! What are you talking about? I experience war every day of my life. I suffer hunger, pain and deprivation. What right do you have to speak to me about war and pain?

The same goes with all the clositered and sheltered (and especially young male and female)educators living in the world of academia, devoid of experiences in other worlds sometimes and especially the rich tais tais who teach so they get months off for holidays. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SPEAK WITH ME! If we worship strip-tease and slut whore bloggers, what does this show about our psyche? Not very much, isn't it?

I am never one to complain about my sufferings, my trials and tribulations, the injustices and the pains and sorrows of my life to anyone. I simply push all these bad memories and experiences deep into the recesses of my memory, for better or for worse. I just march on forward. But since I can't move on, these memories flood me and the bad feelings of hatred and enmity well up.

The Pharisees will see this as my retribution. But my other Christian friend thinks otherwise. He says you do not have to suffer like Jesus did because he has already suffered for us on th cross. I do not intend myself to be matyred like Jesus. I am no God. I am just an ordinary mortal trying to live in this kingdom of hell.

It is going to be an emotional and teary farewell for now, having blogged so furiously the last couple of months as I have, penning my thoughts with ferocity and feeling. I blogged some of my thoughts and opinions to closure but my guess is that this forms perhaps only the tip of the iceberg. There are other deeper, darker and more sinister well-springs of bad feelings lurking in my psyche. Bad feelings about life, people and places in general.

The one pervading feeling I had to rid myself of is this: that our whole place here reeks of wickedness, evil, the economy and sin. Everybody will do anything for the price of money and the economy. Look at chat channels and how these have degenerated into meat racks for hire and the perennial requests for sex, is it ever a serious and meaningful chat conduit?

To my former classmate who insinuated in no certain terms that I was a hustler, I would like to stop all gossip and rumour mongering right here and now that I never hustled for money or was ever a kept man/boy. I earned my keep and if I ever had any sexual gratification, it was for gratification and love alone that I did it, never for money.

I am so sorry I fail to connect to two former classmates I met up with. They are enwrapped as they are in their own high world of finance, unable to relate to what I am experiencing at the ground. I sense the lack of empathy, understanding and compassion in them. I guess that is it then to our "reunion".

As I mentioned earlier, some wimps get married and perpetuate metrosexuality and wimpiness all round. I remember an acquaintance whom I observed in action at a gym spa with another dude. This guy is a macho mary. He is gay/bisexual and wimp (whatever). When he is asked to give a speech, you should see the overcompensation mode he drives into. He tries to portray a macho/manly image, with a loud macho voice and actions. Now that is macho mary in action.

Oh yes and my new neighbor, some wimp who is in the naval force (he must be so unproductive at work that he has to carry out his intentions at home and we all pay towards his idleness while he beautifies his house at our expense) is so full of actions every other day.

He will be carpentering, renovating his house (every now and then and into the night to the detriment of our peace, noise level, health and cleanliness, bad as it already is with the infrastructural development right at our doorsteps, this going on for years now at different spots) repairing his kids' motor toys and a bawling spoilt child. He looks like a brat himself who hails from a privileged background and still dependent on his wife, mother and maid to clean up after him.

By the way my two dizygotic evil twin sisters bosses are both devout social helpers in their faiths they practise. I am not sure what they pray for at the churches and temples they attend. Certainly to my mind, it isn't world peace and harmony. More like prosperous business and wealth for themselves. A Fu Lu Shou figurine testifies to the God of Fortune they worship amidst the other gods they put up at their altars, idol worship, that is what it is.

And the GM, otherwise known as Mr Wimp, who is an elder in a church must surely be a bad example for his followers. How is it he did not keep his house at work in order and allow those things to happen unrelentingly? God must be really displeased with him.

Oh God and this Chinese national is a nocturnal creature. He will wash, eat, work and clean up only in the night while I am deep in slumber with all the lights and noises going on around moi. Perhaps it is true this brood is Chinese emperor in mentality, who cannot seem to do household chores as well. I have to clean up after him for heaven's sake.

I am not sure about you. But here people are always tempting you and taunting you with evil. They will always be trapping you with their questions much like how the Pharisees did with Jesus. I have been slouching at the computer, holed up with administrative work. This has been bad for my posturing and health. That explains the stiff neck I suffer at times, the stiff joints, hardened and numbed nerves. And hiccups. Yeah. Hiccups.

So what if I had a university computer graduate repairing my personal computer like the good fortune I had of meeting with one recently. He doesn't seem equipped to answer my questions or even to do up a more professional job as I expected. I mean why is it that the manual illustrated three buttons on the start menu for log off/start/shut down in its pages while my real-time machine only has two?

I will be surprised that we will persist into the new millennium unscathed, if we don't perish or die out soon enough. If I leave this place, like I did once in 2000, this whole place will be destroyed or sunk in a moment of Armaggeddon. In 2000 on my first major trip out of the country, we had our first airline disaster in history, the Taiwanese take-off crash. Never mind if one pilot was a foreign national, it hadn't anything to do with it.

The people in charge must seriously be out of their bonkers if they think they are going to beat down their own born and bred citizens while allowing the permanent residents and foreign nationals run our country in key strategic areas. They are mad if they think this foreign born has the heart for us, our well-being and our health. They are here for the economy, their livelihood and off they go, once this isn't happening.

I cannot imagine a small place like us crammed with so many skyscrapers. It only takes an epi-centric ripple to shake us to the very core of our foundation. That is how I imagine it to be.

Some observations before I bid adious. Public schools are actually allowing staff to teach at private institutions for some hours per week. This is a serious conflict of interest where I can imagine private institutions relying on these educators to pull students onto their enrolment list. These educators could blatantly tout their skills in private schools when their own charges' needs are not met in their own schools. I can't see the rationale for this, can you?

I walk into MOE ExcelFest this year and one public school affiliated to a private commercial one (it actually calls it its parent) solicits a $7000 donation from the parent, starts a wheat grass enterprise and if schools , as they claim to be, are administratively overburdened, why is it possible this one can even administer sales order and delivery?

Schools are hiring teacher assistants, vice-principals for administration, librarians and what-nots. Let us hope we see a similar quantum jump in teaching quality, especially at the primary school going level, where tuition will no longer be needed for the vast majority of the school-going populace. But seriously for the wages paid to a teacher assistant, I can see it isn't fair value for fair work done.

Before I leave, several people whom I will punch the living daylights out if I should ever square off with them again. Mr He-Ape, his wife, her dizygotic twin M/s Black Widow and their son. M/s Shrill-Ass and M/s She-Ape. M/s Cleopatra and Mr Wimp. M/s Wicked Stepmother and Daryl Chan. And to all the bimbs, wimps and blimps I ever had the bad luck to encounter. FUCK YOUR FREAKING LIVES, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!

I have broken my back. What else does it need for things to get moving? A lost limb or my life? I may have fallen and lived but if we all fall here, it will be the end of us. THE END.