Of Love, Relationships, Friendships, The Gay Culture And Another Prayer (***Even More Updates)

Another Fervent Prayer
Oh God, like I have been praying to you fervently and intensely the last couple of days, today I am appealing to you once more.

A Nice, Warm, Funny, Caring And Communicative Beau Like Him (If This Is Real Or Unless It Is A Learned PR/Sales Thingy)
I really wished it was HIM that I am attached to.

But maybe he is already seeing someone (why doesn't he tell me when I asked him?). Were they those people I saw? I really dont know what else to do because I have done almost everything I can to stay in touch but there is no response.

So if you don't think it is HIM, grant me my beau to support me at this hour of need.

I can't connect to the older crowd because there is that cynicism, that baggage and that lack of ideas to communicate with.

Or a too culturally diverse people because of a living divide like language, lifesytle, habits and practices. Not Filipnos or wateva. Nor gals.

You know if I care too deeply about someone, it affects me all the way. My mental and physical health is affected as HIS case has shown.

I pray to you that my other requests will be met .

A Place Of My Own
Finding a suitable room to move out to and eventually buying my place REAL SOON. Some nature? Some water? Some long-distance running and walking facilities and strength training spots nearby.

A Job And Income
And a job or projects to keep me going. I can't be dealing with the motley crew in all kinds of vocation. It has got to have some intellectual stimulation. Of ideas, technology, current affairs, etc. So education and training looks like it.

Your humble servant.

Do I Really Need To Repeat Myself?
I hope this gets through ONCE MORE.

I will know who my BEAU is when I see HIM. There must be that CONNECTION. There were quite a few but it seems like the relationship (if there was one in the first place) didn't work out and I wasn't their type.

I think HE likes fair mates (or maidens) like I do in some cases. But certainly I don't like the ONEs who are his friends or colleagues.

Just too bad when I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. I accept his looks, his roles and his skin condition. That was how far I went. Even if he were to be of a different creed, I WILL STILL LOVE HIM.

His Was Just A Case Of Pleasing EveryOne And A MindLess Bend To EveryOne's Calling
Unfortunately I feel that in HIS case, he was just getting himself into all kinds of toxic relationships and still wanna be in them.

Stupid as that sounds. All kinds of bad relationships. One day he is gonna be stuck in one forever.
Mindlessly trying to be popular and bending to one and all's wishes. Only sharing the good times and fun AND NOT THE BAD TIMES. That is what his friendships are all about.

Let us see how far this is gonna get him.

And equating a worthwhile life with a hectic schedule.

Once More, That Space And Distance And Distinguishment Between Friends And Relationships
It isn't gonna be ethnics, mixed or the UNHOLY TRINITY. I have to be very aware and keep my space and distance from them to avoid the CULTURAL divide.

Colleagues will just be colleagues.Friends are friends.We will maintain cordial , friendly and professional relations, that is all.

There will be that special few who will be close friends and that ONE AND ONLY elusive and special BEAU. They will be my priorities NOT options or activity partners. REAL sharing and communication.

While I prefer a one-on-one, everything else is open provided if I click with ALL (meaning guys only) in the party.

I can't be in a relationship with a pair of CONJOINED TWINS when I only like Mick but not Mitch, can I?

Though I really prefer a ONE-on-ONE.

What Happens In The Gay Community Happens In Other Communities As Well Of Course
I am not criticising the GAY CULTURE per se.

I naturally blog about it because I am a part of it, observing and experiencing it.

It happens too in the other types of communities.

The Gay Culture - Then , Now And The Future
I am just saying that the GAY CULTURE CAN'T ONLY BE about being indecently fashionable, a flesh parade, a meat rack, appearances, pretty boy looks, physique, muscles, drugs, debauchery, body piercings and designs, all kinds of portrayals of imagery and acting, sex parties, clubbling, intoxication, cruising, dick sizes, all kinds of perversion and in most cases, a face pic is a must for a meet-up?

I suppose we all wanna look good but if a relationship or friendship is premised solely on that, it must be seriously WRONG!

It must also centre on building a life at home, spending time together like home-cooked meals, household chores, home movies, love, hugs, kisses, cuddles, consummation, commitment, conversations, sharing good and bad times, encouragement, mental and moral support, kindness, open, honest and truthful communication.

Spending time together outside. Sports, movies, nature, strolls, the sea, the sun, leisure activities and social networking. Work. Character, personality, chemistry, resolve, sacrifices, selflessness, attention and the like.

AND faithfulness.

Somehow this isn't happening often enough, so can I see a TRANSFORMATION?

We Are Not One, We Are To Ourselves

Don't count on the community for support.

You should be happy enough if they don't break you up with your beau, mislead us all and script the community to our condemnation, damnation and death. And more myth and lies and folklore. It is about money, about debauchery, about all the above culture I wrote about and about being a business.

The old and the young are the same. Leading us to the BLACK HOLE and not the LIGHT!

That is what WE ARE.

I Am A Total Nervous Wreck And I Can't Wait To Move Out, Start Work And Get Into A Really Serious Relationship
First, The Living Evirons
I am pretty anxious and it shows.

First my living environment. I don't enjoy the company of the people I am living with and the physical environment sucks.

It is like living with my family all over again. My sisters and my brother and MOM (especially when we were young). No connection, no bonding, no communication, no support, no understanding or love.

Second, A Failed Attempt At A Relationship
Eversince that fateful night, I have been feeling like a MONSTER and feeling very BAD for what I did. But I hope HE understands that it is because I lOVE HIM.

Everyone else will just laugh along, say nice things, sing praises, go along with the flow, engage in a public relations exercise, flatter and try to please you JUST TO BE "FIENDS".

A true friend will tell you LIKE IT IS so that you see the OTHER SIDE of a coin.

Like He-Ape. Always praising She-Ape. And buying us coffee (to keep us awake during teaching sessions?). A public relations exercise or corporate welfarism?

Third, My Age, My Life-Span And My Resources When Compared To The Younger And Richer
Some more, age is not on my side. You don't have to put me through all these indignation when half my life is already gone.

Let it befall the young and rich and those who wanna keep up. Being younger, they have better coping capacities and a longer life-span to restart all over. And they have the financial and social resources to deal with it.

I really can't. I am not getting younger. I am at my wit's end and on the brink and WITH NO RESOURCES TO COPE , financial, social or wateva.

It is like despite telling my dentist that, he is not getting it and subjecting me to all the indignity he puts me through. The protraction of the dental treatment though I appreciate him waiving off the last few treatment costs.

And The Rest............
What's more, I am homeless (flitting from rented room to rented room and holed up with all kinds of non-supportive people whom I don't like), jobless, beauless and money is running low .

I need all the mental support, comfort, hugs, love, encouragement, kisses and cuddles I can get.

I am NOT GETTING IT from HIM and worse, we broke up. So I am really down in the dumps and a TOTAL NERVOUS WRECK and ALL ALONE AND WITH NOBODY TO CARE FOR ME !

I am a wreck and I can only EMO all by myself, always thinking about HIM with tears in my eyes while trying to keep up appearances and to HOLD UP as best as I can.

All I Want Is A Sweet Home Valentine (**Even More Updates)

A Relationship And Friendship On Hold Is Just As Bad As A Long Distance Relationship
To illustrate even further how pathethic friendships or relationships have become, I actually have someone who asks me to hang on till after he has finished his "cultural" week at the university.

I mean if I am close to that person, I don't think I will do that (but I will if they are people I HATE to the core). Anyway, that is it. I am not gonna be there for him when that date draws near.

Nobody puts a relationship or friendship on hold like that, does anyone?

Can you imagine your kid or beau needs you and you do that? Unimaginable right?

Love Should Be Simple And Easy, Not Complicated And Convoluted
And I hate convoluted and multiple relationship-way. All I want is ONE SIMPLE BEAU and ONE SIMPLE LOVE.

Is that so hard to ask?

And I don't care if love complicates life. We all need it. Otherwise why are family units formed and people get coupled? Get this into your thick head.

Alarm Bells Ringing - Read The Literature And Be Very Afraid

A reminder to the fuckees in our community.

Please read the literature. Even though it may not be explicit, I am sure you can put two and two together and link prostatitis and prostate cancer with your kinda activity.

Do you wanna risk this to yourself?

I Already Knew What I Wanted From The OutSet. Please Get This Right!
Let me blog about this once more.

I already know what I wanted when I was in junior college and during my National Service days. It started with my unhappy family background and got progressively worse in school and NS, seeing the fakers at work.

It is just that those PIGs around me were gutless, spineless, mindless (no will and mind of their own and just bend with the wind), mentally retarded and TOTALLY CHILDISH AND IMMATURE and ABOVE ALL, game players.

At any age.

I can't find the ONE (or if I did, they were just NOT READY OR wavering OR I couldn't express this to them because it was FORBIDDEN OR he was seeing someone OR wateva).

And I don't own a home to build this life with HIM.

A Home Valentine
For me, my Valentine's Day is spending it with HIM at home. Hugs, kisses, cuddles, kind words, encouragement, love, household chores, meals, home movies and the like.

Sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings and fears and so on. Chatting and sharing and more chatting and sharing and being honest, open, frank and truthful.

Yeah and SEX! Why not?

I Have A Right To Pick My Beau Just As I Will Respect HIS Right To (Though I Am Just Not Ready To Let Go Without Clear Signals From His Own Horse's Mouth That I Am Not The One )
You do not dictate my choice of a beau. I will know it when I see HIM. It isn't this NEW TENANT. Neither is it Gerald's faker of an older brother. Nor is it that chief tenant at the new place IF I am ever moving there. Nor is it Gerald.

Look. I am not trying to convert anyone's sexuality. It is already there. Latent or open. It is all up to the individual. But because of environmental pressures, we all deny, suppress, conform or whatever.

All I can do is to try and bring it to the fore and the individual decides.

And only with my beau will I do that.

So the issue is not conversion, confusion or wateva. It is the issue of not LETTING HIM get into the dark rut which is the other side of the gay world. The DARK SIDE of all those endless cruising and SEX and debauchery.

I do have that pair of eyes which tells me a lot and I am all knowing. There is a Sanskrit word for that in Hindu astrology. It is mahashiri or something. That is why the Hindus are probably more attuned.

All I know is that the person is HIM.

These Are His Friends And Colleagues Whom I Am Concerned About
I see a lot of ME in him. He is what he is today because of the faker GAYs and whoever else friends he is hanging out with. The blind leading the blind. I have seen two of them and I am not impressed.

One was like Ben. Speaks like him and fake like him. Does that explain Ben's miseries in his relationship with Vic? Because Vic knows him well. And Vic isn't absolved either because of the "stuff" they both do.

The other I could tell that he is just another spineless and gutless wimpy creature.

And there were several colleagues of his that I can also tell who they are. I just wanna warn him of the dangers. One was a HIMBO like that fucktard holed up next to my room at Ben's.

That is why I said his fate isn't gonna be pleasant if he persists in hanging out with THEM or whoever else I have not met. It is his propensity to hang out with the wrong crowd.

He Is A Part Of Me And I, Him
They are not bringing him to the fore and the light. Which is a home-based life with a partner.

They are bringing him to the dark tunnel which is a world of men's clubs, pubs, all kinds of debauchery, fashion, looks, physique, beauty, dick size, the whole gay culture and GOD-KNOWS-WHAT-ELSE and their own skewed belief systems!

I wanna bring him there together with ME. His personality and chemistry is mine. It exactly matches. I want him to be ULTIMATELY himself which he isn't yet and his "FIENDS" are just feeding him. More deceit, lies and faking.

He is certainly already GAY. And I can guess the roles and all. He is trying to change and pretend or otherwise. All I want him to know is that I ACCEPT AND LIKE HIM AS HE IS.

In fact, I detect a slight (maybe not so serious) autism or something in him. Maybe he is a GEEK?

But I do find him authentic.

I Can't Live With Fakers AnyMore
That explains why I was a loner and independent most of the time. It is so HARD to find a genuine person. So many are fakers and we have to fake along.

I have blogged about how I didn't fit in at home with the biggest faker of all, my eldest brother and yes, my dear sisters. And when I was living alone, I found myself.

But guess what? The foreign tenants who came aknocking were just bad fakers too and so problems arose.

At least grant me that sanctuary to be myself and with my beau where we are both GENUINE. That is all I ask. We can't be facing fakers everywhere. Home, work and at play. It is terrifying and dehumanising.

I can't be living with FAKERS anymore. It is just heart-wrenching.

Because We Were Led To The Dark Hole That Is The Making Of The Environment, So We Are Where We Are Today
Because you can see where I and so many others have ended up because of THIS.

Old And New Schools?
And there is NO question about new and old schools.

If there is, why are so many old songs being revived or remixed today by new and younger singers and there is a following among the NEXT generation of listeners that cut across the generation gap.

Explain that.

Thank You Once More My Lord, My God! Now Help Me With These Other Requests (***Updated)

I Am Well Again After A Really Bad Swell And Rest For Two Days, Thanks Once Again My Lord, My God
I have to blog about this yet again.

My prayer got answered. My mumps have receded and I get to exercise and go back to my usual routine once more . If this is because I have wronged HIM, then so be it!

You will remember my past personal prayers in my heart when I had an excruciating back pain, a new medical condition and my cataract operation.

I can only sing praises to God in my heart and here on my blog!

But Gerald Was Harassing Me To Move
I had given him notice to move because of the NEW tenant. I am seriously not into this NEW TENANT OR Gerald's brother. The faker!

And he called the police like BULLDOG did. Which was good because once again I can reason with them that I need an extension because of the CNY festivities.

Though it was really irritating coming on top of my illness. He will get his just desserts one day if not now, maybe when he is older. Then he will know.

This Is A Collaboration For Sure
And I am pretty sure the NEW TENANT is his friend. Gerald can't possibly got him so fast and this NEW TENANT is from the uniformed group I think.

There you have it! Our very own uniformed personnel! Just get outta my sight and way PIG! He was harassing me this evening by smirking and dirtying the loo. I will let him have it if he tries it again.

If this is Gerald's gameplan and he is doing anything behind my back, he will get HIS KARMA. Like cracking my Iphone and getting contacts. I will pity those who hook up with him. They should know better how unstable he must be if he is REALLY DIVORCED as he claims.

I already have other postulates that this is YET ANOTHER DRAMA scripted and staged.

Not Bad But There Were Still Several Laughable And Regrettable Statements Made
This HOME team whom Gerald called is good.

The one that handled the "assault" incident was not too bad either but there were several things the police officers said which I know they/he will regret in their lives one day.

First, he said that I was nothing to HIM so why should I care and second, this "assault" term he brought up. I wanted to kick down the ERP gantry and laugh my fucking ass off at this.

O God, Doesn't AnyOne Knows About The Affairs Of The Heart?
I can assure you he must have never loved anybody in his entire life before just like that sissy ass-hole poly gay. One day it will befall them or someone close and they will know. Or that they/he will NEVER KNOW WHAT LOVE IS!

I have more than enough of my share of broken hearts. So enough is enough!

There were a few more regrettable statements but I won't blog about them as they were so passe.

But still they handled the whole incident not too badly.

There You Have It Folks! Age Isn't It!
After this incident, I will try and think if Gerald is still cute or HE IS JUST AN UNGROWN UP father of a toddler girl (like The Punk who is already in his mid-thirties) who still wanna engage in trickery and games.

Like Fat Bloke who is so much older and still immatured to be doing what he is doing. Or my brother or those really old dudes who are misbehaving at cruising spots.

Oh please Old Farts, enough already!

I Knew What I Wanted Long Time Ago
So stop scripting this for me. I will know the correct BEAU when I see it.

I will live for TRUE LOVE and not any conveniences. Happiness is very important to me.

From the outset I already know what I wanted in my late teens to my NSF period. So get this very right.

Missing Him And With Much Pain In My Heart
I am missing HIM very much. I had enjoyed bringing him meals when he was working. It felt good taking care of someone you love. Those were the only times I got to see him as he won't let me any other way.

As it were, I was already restrained by all his impositions of time and he wasn't communicating clearly the best time to bring him food then.

In fact if this had continued, I was contemplating cooking again and bringing him home-cooked food.

But alas look what had happened!

All Your Fucking Environmental Stresses Did Me In
It was really all the stresses that made me do what I did that fateful night!

All those losses and thefts by your people. Then relationship problems and all those QUEENS at my school. Followed by living at those places I lived in.

How Can I Win Him Back?
HE has said he doesn't wanna see me again. At least through the police officers. Why does he hate me when I love him so much? Does he wanna see me dead before he will even wanna contact me again?

I have done most of what I think I should do and I really do not know how else to fight for his love.

Well we really didn't have a relationship in the first place and I was "nothing" in his eyes.

If he is a faker, then SO BE IT and we aren't meant for each other! And he will face his KARMA.

I Will Have To Pray Over This
Sigh. I have to pray over this as well.

Lord, you have granted me my prayers in earnest so far.

Grant me that I will get a job or some projects soon in the education/training field. That I will move to a better place than this and that I will buy back my house soon. And that a loved one will appear if it isn't HIM.

Or at least guide me on how to WIN HIS LOVE? I am really pathetic and bad at this sorta thing.

That is all I will pray for.

However, These Remain Steadfast And UnChanged.
I will not turn back to any former employers especially He-Ape. There will be NO politics for me.

My beau will NOT BE AN ETHNIC and those I mentioned before. Unless of course it happens to be HIM (he can be any creed as I already know him and I love him).

I will not get in touch with my family anymore and I have severed all ties with them. In fact my third sister called just when my phone battery life went off and so it is meant to be.

And everything else I said before stands.

It Is Just My Life And One Life And If I Can't Live It The Way I Want It, I Will Have To Die For It
I will die for them if I am ever pushed into marrying a gal and doing a job which is NOT MY VOCATION! And all those other things.

Let the wimps do it and suffer for it.

I will die for MINE!

Are You Responsible? You Will Get Your Just Dessert In Due Course Sooner Or Later (***Even More Updates)

Mumps For Almost A Week Now
Eversince the fight that fateful night and the start of my cough and flu, I have been developing mumps but today I just notice how bad the swell had gotten and I am praying over this as well.

See what stress can really do to your body! Psychosomatic disorder!

These Are Some Things You Can Learn From The Chinese
Yes, I am half Chinese, this half coming from my maternal lineage.

By now, it will be clear to all how the true blue Chinese men pride themselves and are usually serious-minded. They mean what they say and do what they mean. I can't speak for the wimps, the money bois or some of the other Chinese though.

We are not pikers and we do have compassion for our fellow beings. At least for me, I don't wanna become a stinking gutless corporate rat, working entirely for money at everybody's expense.

And we are not a trivial or a frivolous race. Neither are we shallow nor superficial but deep thinkers and doers. We are usually forthright and straight to the point, never meandering.

We have some fundamental values and beliefs which we will stick to and die for if necessary.

Of course we enjoy good humor, the occasional drama but we take relationships seriously and demand faith, trust, loyalty, openness, honesty and monogamity from our life partner.

We work hard for our money and we hanker for a stable home environment, a beau , good friends and company.

At least this applies to me, a half Chinese.

And though I may disagree with Mom on many occasions and that is only because of a clash of civilisation and religion, she REALLY represents all that and more.

Lots Of Pain, Remorse, Guilt , Sadness And Most Of All Shock
I am still in shock at what I did that day. That was SO NOT ME! It was like the other impetuous, deranged and totally uncontrolled half of me. The uglier, darker, Mr Hyde, midnight side of me.

I don't feel good breaking up with HIM but since he isn't reciprocating and all and GOD knows what is happening in his personal and love life, I guess this is the best choice for the moment.

I will HATE HIM TO THE CORE if he is playing the field which I suspect it is the case. If HE ALREADY HAS SOMEONE, JUST LET ME KNOW AND I AM OUTTA HIS LIFE FOR GOOD.

I am gonna apologize for my actions that day and for that I feel pain, sadness, remorse , guilt and shock.

This Was What It Should Have Been
When I should be kissing him on HIS cheeks and lips and all over, I am instead throwing punches. When I should be making love to him, cuddling and cupping his head to plant a kiss, I have hurt him badly.

I will do it with flowers and a card inscribed with my heartfelt message, what with Valentine's Day just 10 or 11 days away. The rest is up to him.

I can't really apologize for what I say though if it is true he is doing what I think he is doing.

Just too bad that he is almost everything I want in a beau and just right for me BUT THIS HAS TO HAPPEN.

Get Outta My Life And It Isn't A Life Anyway!
By now, I am jaded and sick and tired. So please leave me alone if you belong to the category of people I HATE.

I am still getting messages from past ethnic acquaintances (whom I am not keen) and ethnics are always appearing in my life at odd places. The gym, public places and so on. I am pretty sure they are the ones who are responsible for my current predicament.

First The Fundamentalists, Then The Various Communities
And the gay, ex-gay, bi or whatever community JUST ISN'T HELPING! They are driving wedges between us with all that they are saying. Instigating and breaking us all up.

The likes of Daryl Chan and Chris Fong, The Grand Eunuchs who will die tragically one day.

So get the message straight and FUCK OFF from my life.

They are fiends with axes to grind and whose lives got screwed. So they wanna avenge it on some other people and screw up their lives.

Go pick your fucking prey and DIE FROM IT, FUCKTARDS! As you surely will.

What Is The Meaning Of All This? Just Lay Off And Fuck Off!
I am not sure what I am clinging on for. I am gonna wait a while more before deciding what to do with my life.

With no income and money running out, I will just probably end it. And I will only work in the education field and no where else.

That is what the EVIL scriptors want it and they shall get it.

But let us see what will happen to their lives next! Will it be any better? I don't think so. They will get their own JUST DESSERT ONE FINE DAY and die from it!

My Iphone Went Dead And Resurrected About 12 Hours Later

My IPhone may just blank out for a short while but it has never died on me for a full 12 hours or more.

It just did and came back alive again this morning!

What a relief! Otherwise I have to send it for repair and the queues and waiting time and downtime must be atrociously long!

Sneaking Out For An Evening Breeze To Escape The "Summer" Heat And The "Office Hour" Faker

It is almost like summer here in Singapore.

Though I keep my windows open, the sun beats in and you can feel the hot blazing afternoon heat plus there isn't an air-conditioner here.

Once the sun sets, I sneak out to a local cafe just to enjoy the cool evening breeze.

Otherwise I will just suffocate in a cooped-up, all windows shut tight flat and a faker to boot and that ethnic tenant. I hope we all know where we stand by now.

OMFG!