Why Am I So Taken Up With This Chinese Guy?
First I think half of me is Chinese, coming as it is from my mom. And we know how many years of civilisation the Chinese has. Its exotic, imperial, warring times that dazzles and beckons. Having visited Beijing, that was even more surreal.
Kinda going back to my roots.
When I visited Taipei, I was impressed with the mostly refined, melodious and soft-toned Chinese language the men spoke. Of course some of the women were coarse. China is catching up but probably the countryfolks have a lot more catching up to do.
This Chinese guy typifies it. It is a different language and I am drawn to it as I am frankly sick of our Singlish, or English as it is spoken.
A perfect gentleman. Schooled, refined and suave.
If he is for real, that is. And he is not faking it, packaging it because he was a marketeer.
Many parts of China have modernised. The culture for them now is to entertain clients at KTVs and massage parlors. So I am not expecting them to be too different from us here. But I am sure some roots still die hard.
But Who Exactly Is He?
There are of course many other postulates about him. Like maybe he really came here to study but fell into bad company (yes, I have seen his friends and I don't like most of them save for one or two). And his English is impeding him from going further.
He has gone nuah while here. I can see him logging on till late in the night while he stays with me which is really depriving him of his much needed sleep but elsewhere, he logs on only in the afternoon which means he sleeps till the late morning and perhaps goes out at night as he doesn't log on at night anymore.
The ticketing stamp on his hand luggage reads 15 Sep and he claims he is here only for 3 months. Like most other Chinese guys I ran into, they invariably seem to be here only 2 months. But the ticket does look a bit worn down and I am sure he has been here longer than he claims.
I have not checked his passport and that would say it all. Is he even the person he claims he is? Is he from a different school even.
If he was seducing moi for some bad intentions, I cuss him to hell and he will have his just desserts as he surely will, along with his other conspirators.
He will end up like my army mate Allan. Look at what has happened to him decades later.
I have a funny feeling, he is playing with both women's and men's emotions. But as I said, he will have his just rewards.
I am crossing my fingers and keeping faith and see how things will go.
It Does Leave Me With An Emotional Vacuum
I am not sure if I can take on another new roomie in his place.
His leaving has left me in emotional flux and turmoil for a while. First there is denial that he is gone and then depression and sadness and now anger if he was trifling with my emotions all the while.
Now I just wanna forget him and get on with my life but it is easier said than done.
So a new roomie if he isn't gonna return will have to wait a while longer.
I am just hoping for his eventual return.
Class Sucks
I can't make fast friends here in my class. Half of them are of a different ethnic background. Most are women. Some are very much older women. Most are young. Mostly Singaporeans and we all know how we all think the same way most of the time.
Some internation students will be good. For a different perspective. The Australian woman is vocal. But where are the younger set?
Shsssssssh..........
Doesn't make it any better that it is part-time and there are no recreational or co-curricular activities for more interaction.
Unlike a full-time class with the Chinese or younger students or the matured students doing masters or something like the Chinese guy.
One less circle for knowing people.
Come Up With More Consistent And Wholesome Values
Unless the gay community can come up with more consistent articles that espouses fidelity, we are gonna be looked upon as trash, sluts and doomed.
Of course it happens in the bi and hetero communities too.
Start off with striking up relationships. What is it all about. Friendship, love, caring, trust, etc.
Then, no pre-occupation with penile sizes as a prerequisite for a relationship or sex.
Emphasize a monogamous relationship first and foremost. Then perhaps a three-way or a four or multi-way may be feasible for some, but not all. Certainly a couple seeking a third or multi for ONS is gonna make us look trashier and sluttier.
Worse if it is with a bi. Emphasize that this may not work out in the longer term if he chooses to go another way. Then we are just side-kicks. Unless he switches back or chooses one.
Finally no definition of roles. It will be on a basis of mutual attraction first and the roles will play out eventually. Even then we play several roles with different people.
For the younger and prettier boys or even the not so young but pretty, I top. For the others, I may bottom. So in a sense I am flexi.
Do not make our community look as if like we are transgendered. That is at least what my lecturer seems to be harping on. All the time.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
I Wanna Do My Own Thing, Get This, ShitHeads!
After The Ramble, Comes The Thunder And Lightning
Yesterday my blog was just a ramble.
Today I am gonna elaborate on what is happening in my life and all around me.
Sleaze Everywhere, So When Is It One Too Many?
First the sleaze that exists right here around the estate where I live.
I have written about the prolific KTVs and massage parlors that have sprouted here stretching from Selegie Road to Bencoolen Street and Middle Road (the Bras Basah Civic District if you like) all the way to Concorde Hotel (formerly Le Meridien).
As if that is not enough, Jalan Besar and Balestier which are just a stone's throw away have enough of them and near-24 hr Internet gaming centres which can feed an army of street-walkers and late-night young cybergamers.
The night life extends even further away to the Chinatown district and Tanjong Pagar.
Thai drags, darker-skinned girls (Filipinas or Thais), loads of China girls and a couple of Malaysians. Almost everywhere you walk, you see them.
If it isn't bad enough, a new KTV has just opened right down the street where moi lives. You just need to take a peek at their webby to be cognisant of what goes on inside the establishment.
My apartment building houses the mostly China show-girls, the kept mistresses and lovers and yes, there is a thriving gay community living here as well.
There are late night brawls, loud shouting matches, drunken stupor and unconsciousness of the hostesses and their clients. I have seen one patrol car whizzing past so far, on a late night out observation. But our men-in-blue do not seem to want to get out of their cars to patrol the streets. Why?
Yes, occasionally we see a few white men and a few Japs or maybe Koreans. But the clientele is largely local. The towkays and probably some establishment players too.
I have seen a SMU Mongolian student reeking of alcohol in the elevator with arms twirled around a woman in short minis and high-cut boots (apparently she is a resident of the same apartment as him). Even he has fallen by the wayside.
Another has gone wayward 6 months after he arrived, had to disrupt his studies promptly and is now back again.
Sleaze Extends To Private Schools
Even the students are not spared.
I have heard how school agents are wining and dining them at these KTV establishments in order to ink or close a deal. That means signing up for a course or getting them to switch schools or to come study here in Singapore.
And it is good money to be made.
Students, mind you!
My Roomie
3 months after I have settled down here and recovering from my depression living at yet another sleazespot, I thought I could perhaps hunt down a roomie for company.
As it turns out, he is supposedly a MBA student at this private school where moi is doing his learning program.
11 days later he is out of my life.
First he had worked 2 years before back home in China. A property dealer doing exactly the kinda entertainment I have described above (if that is even true)
When we first met, I liked him instantly. He had all the charm and qualities of a gentleman, the glibest of tongue and an aura of warmth and friendliness. His body language was just too close to me and over a week, I have repeatedly text him to hint to him what to expect of me as a room-mate.
He gave all the correct answers and moved in.
I am not sure anymore who he is and what his intentions are!
A few postulates and possibly more if I can think of it:
(1) He is sent by the private school to spy on me, to know why I am at their school and to learn of my background
(2) He is a school agent and is preying on me to possibly sign up for a higher education course in the school
(3)If the above two are true, then even my lecturer and the administration must be in on this
(4)He is who he says he is
He apparently studies overnight at his friends' prior to exams and disappears for two nights promptly thereafter. I know he goes to church on Sundays as if perhaps to ask for forgiveness after all that he has done for the week?
I have seen one of his friend who is almost a local here (having spent his primary school days here) and who is from his same hometown back in China.
I don't like him one bit because he reminds me of that dude whom I spent a month or two with at Andy's. The dyed hair, clubbing sort and the private school he studied in was one mentioned as being a sleazespot too. He is 21 and doing an MBA. Whoa!
I have nothing against clubbing if it is pure fun and dancing and you can hold your drink. Not what happens after that. The excesses, the vomit, the drunken stupor , the high, the unconsciousness. The damaging health effects. And the sex.
I was jealous. My roomie bought bread for this dude and he was away three nights. And sometimes when I talk to my roomie, he does not seem to be a real person. It was a packaged form, from his conditioned days of marketing and entertaining clients and he is probably still at it here, and somehow I knew he was talking in a third person.
I am not sure if he is just trapping moi to sell moi something or if he has something up his sleeve.
I have professed my love for him three times but he has rejected them all.
And for my home-life I don't like complications.
He certainly has a wealth of knowledge about us gays when he claims to be straight (possibly bi, maybe gay). Either way, I don't like the idea of him staying here. First the gay household and then the surrounding girly bars. I am like doomed.
Suggestions coming from him range from holing up with a lesbian and doing each own's thing and he probably doesn't mind multiple relationships, judging from the things he says.
There is that real, goody-goody boy deep down inside him that I can't reach out to.
It hurts me very deeply that he is in denial, that he is conditioned and the real him can't come out. He is either faking it or he is just conditioned the way he is.
I fell in love with him the moment I set eyes on him the day we met.I am just so sorry I have to let him go, but cross my fingers that he will come back.
I still have complete faith in him and I wanna trust him if he can just tell me what is going on.
More games people play.
My Learning Program
Now if it is true the school is in collusion with my roomie then my lecturer must also be in on it.
The topics he espouses during lessons and the email he replied me. I am not too sure what his intentions are. As far as I am concerned, he is lecturer, we are all just his students.
He is funny and leaves us in stitches ...always. But he does harp a lot on LGBT issues when he is married. We don't hear so much of marital woes' issues from him?
Then he keeps changing the assignment topics and format. He asks if we have dysfunctional friends. I say I have. Him! Ha ha ha.
I thought when he defines neuroses and psychoses that he didn't get it right. But he insists, so what can I say? And I know for a fact things keep changing in what he says during his class.
The School Surrounds
I like this city campus and the whole professional set-up. But I wished I was a full-time student along with the other younger people so I can communicate better with them.
As it is, my class are older locals and I don't click as much with them and this happens only at night.
And yes some recreational facilities would probably facilitate better interaction too.
My Long Hair Experience
The year I kept my hair long has been quite an experience.
I have swept it up and tied it down with an over the crown kinda hair band. It must have been a talking point with some people for sure. The longer than usual hair. The hair band. Etc Etc. Was I gonna be a trans? To cut or to fix (as my lecturer in the class has harped on for the nth time in his class about transgendered people)?
It has also served me several advantages to look a bit more androgynous. Some sexual ambivalence. I thought I attracted quite a few blimps and more accepting people of another ethnicity. Plus people who like transgendered kind. And then I could spend more time in the loo.
This is just how people are. Stereotyping. Assumptions. Presumptions. Jumping to conclusions. Worse of all, conformity. We are all conditioned to the short crop cut and we don't seem to be able to accept longer-styled hair.
I have shorn off my locks and it will be another year again before my long hair comes back in vogue.
And Then My Attire
I am not sure what my lecturer or my classmates make of my attire. I am dressed in tight-fitting tees and skinnies and sporting ear-studs and ear-rings.
They can say all they want about a second childhood or whatever. I don't care. I just wanna feel young again.
I suppose that could be a psychologist's issue. Like fetal psychology is, just to promote the profession and make an issue out of nothing. Otherwise psychology will just die a certain death?
Sexual Grooming Of Minors
Yes there is a Penal Code on this.
I don't see how this is wrong especially in the gay context.
If I groom a minor, I groom him for a monogamous, gay, loving relationship. What is love, what is a relationship, what is caring, what is sacrifice! Not sex and lust first before anything else. Not a three-way like the gay community has espoused in one of its articles or even worse, a couple seeking a third for ONS fun.
That in fact should have been taught in schools.
So what is wrong with that?
Fundamentals
All that has happened recently had me resolving even more issues.
I would like a monogamous relationship, ideally with a room-mate. But if he wanna fool around, well, I can too. I hope it will be this China guy. I am not interested in blimps, bimbs or wimps or someone of a different ethnic background.
There will be no girls in my life except as friends.
I will not complicate home life with a woman (lesby or otherwise) fronting a facade and then engaging in gay sex on the side.
I wanna complete this program of learning and get a job in the niches I aspire to. Please do not close all the doors on me as I soon discovered I probably will be upon graduation after I attended a public service networking session.
I will not join any party! As a China dude pointed out to me that I should at this networking session.
I wanna buy a place in an appropriate location. Where I am now is not too bad. I can live with the sleaze and the foreign workers milling around especially on weekends. Coz I am gay I am ok with the girls. But I am not too sure if another gay can with Rafi the Filipino in the household. And yes even the owner who is supposed to be coupled (he sure has some visitors alright) And for a bi....the girly bars around.
I am not Che Guevara. I wanna do my own thing. You let me do them. You go your way, I go mine. And maybe I will eventually thank you in the end.
Period.
Assholes, you get this?
Yesterday my blog was just a ramble.
Today I am gonna elaborate on what is happening in my life and all around me.
Sleaze Everywhere, So When Is It One Too Many?
First the sleaze that exists right here around the estate where I live.
I have written about the prolific KTVs and massage parlors that have sprouted here stretching from Selegie Road to Bencoolen Street and Middle Road (the Bras Basah Civic District if you like) all the way to Concorde Hotel (formerly Le Meridien).
As if that is not enough, Jalan Besar and Balestier which are just a stone's throw away have enough of them and near-24 hr Internet gaming centres which can feed an army of street-walkers and late-night young cybergamers.
The night life extends even further away to the Chinatown district and Tanjong Pagar.
Thai drags, darker-skinned girls (Filipinas or Thais), loads of China girls and a couple of Malaysians. Almost everywhere you walk, you see them.
If it isn't bad enough, a new KTV has just opened right down the street where moi lives. You just need to take a peek at their webby to be cognisant of what goes on inside the establishment.
My apartment building houses the mostly China show-girls, the kept mistresses and lovers and yes, there is a thriving gay community living here as well.
There are late night brawls, loud shouting matches, drunken stupor and unconsciousness of the hostesses and their clients. I have seen one patrol car whizzing past so far, on a late night out observation. But our men-in-blue do not seem to want to get out of their cars to patrol the streets. Why?
Yes, occasionally we see a few white men and a few Japs or maybe Koreans. But the clientele is largely local. The towkays and probably some establishment players too.
I have seen a SMU Mongolian student reeking of alcohol in the elevator with arms twirled around a woman in short minis and high-cut boots (apparently she is a resident of the same apartment as him). Even he has fallen by the wayside.
Another has gone wayward 6 months after he arrived, had to disrupt his studies promptly and is now back again.
Sleaze Extends To Private Schools
Even the students are not spared.
I have heard how school agents are wining and dining them at these KTV establishments in order to ink or close a deal. That means signing up for a course or getting them to switch schools or to come study here in Singapore.
And it is good money to be made.
Students, mind you!
My Roomie
3 months after I have settled down here and recovering from my depression living at yet another sleazespot, I thought I could perhaps hunt down a roomie for company.
As it turns out, he is supposedly a MBA student at this private school where moi is doing his learning program.
11 days later he is out of my life.
First he had worked 2 years before back home in China. A property dealer doing exactly the kinda entertainment I have described above (if that is even true)
When we first met, I liked him instantly. He had all the charm and qualities of a gentleman, the glibest of tongue and an aura of warmth and friendliness. His body language was just too close to me and over a week, I have repeatedly text him to hint to him what to expect of me as a room-mate.
He gave all the correct answers and moved in.
I am not sure anymore who he is and what his intentions are!
A few postulates and possibly more if I can think of it:
(1) He is sent by the private school to spy on me, to know why I am at their school and to learn of my background
(2) He is a school agent and is preying on me to possibly sign up for a higher education course in the school
(3)If the above two are true, then even my lecturer and the administration must be in on this
(4)He is who he says he is
He apparently studies overnight at his friends' prior to exams and disappears for two nights promptly thereafter. I know he goes to church on Sundays as if perhaps to ask for forgiveness after all that he has done for the week?
I have seen one of his friend who is almost a local here (having spent his primary school days here) and who is from his same hometown back in China.
I don't like him one bit because he reminds me of that dude whom I spent a month or two with at Andy's. The dyed hair, clubbing sort and the private school he studied in was one mentioned as being a sleazespot too. He is 21 and doing an MBA. Whoa!
I have nothing against clubbing if it is pure fun and dancing and you can hold your drink. Not what happens after that. The excesses, the vomit, the drunken stupor , the high, the unconsciousness. The damaging health effects. And the sex.
I was jealous. My roomie bought bread for this dude and he was away three nights. And sometimes when I talk to my roomie, he does not seem to be a real person. It was a packaged form, from his conditioned days of marketing and entertaining clients and he is probably still at it here, and somehow I knew he was talking in a third person.
I am not sure if he is just trapping moi to sell moi something or if he has something up his sleeve.
I have professed my love for him three times but he has rejected them all.
And for my home-life I don't like complications.
He certainly has a wealth of knowledge about us gays when he claims to be straight (possibly bi, maybe gay). Either way, I don't like the idea of him staying here. First the gay household and then the surrounding girly bars. I am like doomed.
Suggestions coming from him range from holing up with a lesbian and doing each own's thing and he probably doesn't mind multiple relationships, judging from the things he says.
There is that real, goody-goody boy deep down inside him that I can't reach out to.
It hurts me very deeply that he is in denial, that he is conditioned and the real him can't come out. He is either faking it or he is just conditioned the way he is.
I fell in love with him the moment I set eyes on him the day we met.I am just so sorry I have to let him go, but cross my fingers that he will come back.
I still have complete faith in him and I wanna trust him if he can just tell me what is going on.
More games people play.
My Learning Program
Now if it is true the school is in collusion with my roomie then my lecturer must also be in on it.
The topics he espouses during lessons and the email he replied me. I am not too sure what his intentions are. As far as I am concerned, he is lecturer, we are all just his students.
He is funny and leaves us in stitches ...always. But he does harp a lot on LGBT issues when he is married. We don't hear so much of marital woes' issues from him?
Then he keeps changing the assignment topics and format. He asks if we have dysfunctional friends. I say I have. Him! Ha ha ha.
I thought when he defines neuroses and psychoses that he didn't get it right. But he insists, so what can I say? And I know for a fact things keep changing in what he says during his class.
The School Surrounds
I like this city campus and the whole professional set-up. But I wished I was a full-time student along with the other younger people so I can communicate better with them.
As it is, my class are older locals and I don't click as much with them and this happens only at night.
And yes some recreational facilities would probably facilitate better interaction too.
My Long Hair Experience
The year I kept my hair long has been quite an experience.
I have swept it up and tied it down with an over the crown kinda hair band. It must have been a talking point with some people for sure. The longer than usual hair. The hair band. Etc Etc. Was I gonna be a trans? To cut or to fix (as my lecturer in the class has harped on for the nth time in his class about transgendered people)?
It has also served me several advantages to look a bit more androgynous. Some sexual ambivalence. I thought I attracted quite a few blimps and more accepting people of another ethnicity. Plus people who like transgendered kind. And then I could spend more time in the loo.
This is just how people are. Stereotyping. Assumptions. Presumptions. Jumping to conclusions. Worse of all, conformity. We are all conditioned to the short crop cut and we don't seem to be able to accept longer-styled hair.
I have shorn off my locks and it will be another year again before my long hair comes back in vogue.
And Then My Attire
I am not sure what my lecturer or my classmates make of my attire. I am dressed in tight-fitting tees and skinnies and sporting ear-studs and ear-rings.
They can say all they want about a second childhood or whatever. I don't care. I just wanna feel young again.
I suppose that could be a psychologist's issue. Like fetal psychology is, just to promote the profession and make an issue out of nothing. Otherwise psychology will just die a certain death?
Sexual Grooming Of Minors
Yes there is a Penal Code on this.
I don't see how this is wrong especially in the gay context.
If I groom a minor, I groom him for a monogamous, gay, loving relationship. What is love, what is a relationship, what is caring, what is sacrifice! Not sex and lust first before anything else. Not a three-way like the gay community has espoused in one of its articles or even worse, a couple seeking a third for ONS fun.
That in fact should have been taught in schools.
So what is wrong with that?
Fundamentals
All that has happened recently had me resolving even more issues.
I would like a monogamous relationship, ideally with a room-mate. But if he wanna fool around, well, I can too. I hope it will be this China guy. I am not interested in blimps, bimbs or wimps or someone of a different ethnic background.
There will be no girls in my life except as friends.
I will not complicate home life with a woman (lesby or otherwise) fronting a facade and then engaging in gay sex on the side.
I wanna complete this program of learning and get a job in the niches I aspire to. Please do not close all the doors on me as I soon discovered I probably will be upon graduation after I attended a public service networking session.
I will not join any party! As a China dude pointed out to me that I should at this networking session.
I wanna buy a place in an appropriate location. Where I am now is not too bad. I can live with the sleaze and the foreign workers milling around especially on weekends. Coz I am gay I am ok with the girls. But I am not too sure if another gay can with Rafi the Filipino in the household. And yes even the owner who is supposed to be coupled (he sure has some visitors alright) And for a bi....the girly bars around.
I am not Che Guevara. I wanna do my own thing. You let me do them. You go your way, I go mine. And maybe I will eventually thank you in the end.
Period.
Assholes, you get this?
Monday, December 29, 2008
I Am Only Too Keenly Aware
I know who is trying to direct the script in my life right now.
Somebody out there evil is trying to push me into a corner. First my financial portfolio and then my property investment are being affected.
I am fully aware of the people who keep appearing in my life at this moment. From school to the gym to home. These are people they plant among me. I know the few women who sit around my table and the things they say.
And the lecturer. And then my short-term room mate. Then at "home". Then there is the gym where this Middle Eastern keep appearing. I cn only guess at their intentions.
Fuck you, mother bastards, whoever you are.
I pick my beau, not you. I choose who I wanna live with. I wanna pursue my interest in my career. I wanna buy my own place. You deny me the job aspiration I want with the qualifications I have and I will kill you.
There are all these evil wimps, bimbs and blimps as usual surrounding me. Putting on acts and so on. I am from the dark side so I don't need to see the dark side even more.
I am already living in one dark black hole surrounding me and you put them there. With more of them cropping up.
Fuck you once again!
Somebody out there evil is trying to push me into a corner. First my financial portfolio and then my property investment are being affected.
I am fully aware of the people who keep appearing in my life at this moment. From school to the gym to home. These are people they plant among me. I know the few women who sit around my table and the things they say.
And the lecturer. And then my short-term room mate. Then at "home". Then there is the gym where this Middle Eastern keep appearing. I cn only guess at their intentions.
Fuck you, mother bastards, whoever you are.
I pick my beau, not you. I choose who I wanna live with. I wanna pursue my interest in my career. I wanna buy my own place. You deny me the job aspiration I want with the qualifications I have and I will kill you.
There are all these evil wimps, bimbs and blimps as usual surrounding me. Putting on acts and so on. I am from the dark side so I don't need to see the dark side even more.
I am already living in one dark black hole surrounding me and you put them there. With more of them cropping up.
Fuck you once again!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
